We on Award Tour - 2005 MTV Movie Awards

Typically the best award show, MTV Movie Awards was last night. But could it overcome the horribly unfunny Jimmy Fallon? First, let me judge the commercials that led up to the show. First there was the Chewbacca one, not so funny as I could care less about celebrity coupling. Then there was the Maria Full of Grace short. This was I actually did find funny but I have a feeling that 95% of the MTV demographic have never even heard of the movie. But when it comes down to it, neither were as funny as the one Fallon did a couple years back for the VMA’s when he said “You would make out with me in front of my doorman when I said ‘This is Natalie Portman from Star Wars, what to watch me make out with her?’”

Then we had to sit through the pre-show which was a half of hour of watching Nicole Richie and Fat Joe (and fat is being nice, he should be known as Morbidly Obese Joe) hit on the people they were supposed to be interviewing. I’m so glad to arrive early for that.

There were three shorts throughout the night. The show opened with one of the worst ones of all time with the unfunny Jimmy Fallon being picked up by Batman who turns out to be some one who is somehow not even funnier than Fallon, Napoleon Dynamite. The skit didn’t make sense because, like everyone else, I haven’t seen Batman Begins. Next we have the Star Wars parody. Again not funny, maybe because they were making light of the darkest scenes in Star Wars history. Last we have the Fallon-free Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson sketch. Not their best work bust still funnier than anything Fallon did all night.

As for the musically performances, we start of with Eminem doing what he does best, making fun of pop stars, then transitions into a medley of two of his worst songs ever. Is this guy seriously in his thirties? I have no comment of Mariah Carey’s performance as I switched over to watch Vanilla Ice’s performance on Hit Me Baby One More Time. Then we get a special performance by Yellowcard during The Breakfast Club tribute. Can we pass a law forbidding them from ever singing Don’t You (Forget About Me) ever again please? And while we're at it, can we please ban all "punk" bands that sound more like the Backstreet Boys than The Clash? The last performance is by the Foo Fighters who are basically a hit-or-miss band. I have to say that song was a miss.

One band we didn’t see was Nine Inch Nails who pulled out after MTV found a picture of George Bush to be too offensive. So let me get this straight, Jackass – Not offensive; Letting Jimmy Fallon fondle Sandra Bullock – not offensive; Having Eminem perform as song where he obsesses over an under aged girl’s butt – Not offensive; Picture of George Bush - Offensive. Um, OK, if you say so.

We also get two new special awards as it seems that the Lifetime Achievement Award and Best New Director Award are no longer as we now get the some sort of “Generation Award” for Tom Cruise. They really got rid of the Lifetime Achievement Award for this? Did MTV just create this award so they could have a reason to have Katie Holmes and Cruise on the stage at the same time? Then the cast of The Breakfast Club were apparently awarded the Stanly Cup. I’m sure the hockey fans were glad to finally se it again. Maybe I’m too young, but I never got the appeal of the movie or any John Hughes’ movie. I guess you had to be in high school in the eighties or a girl to appreciate them. And lets be honest, the only reason why this movie got the award was because they wouldn’t be able to get Sean Penn, Nicholas Cage, and Jennifer Jason Lee to get back together for a Fast Times reunion.

As for my predictions (If You Can Dodge a Wrench, You Can Dodge a Ball) I voted for a measly four of the fourteen awards. I didn’t do much well predicating as I only got six correct. Looking at the winner’s list, it looks like I severely overestimated the nerd population. I thought they would come out and have Spiderman 2 sweep the awards they were up for. Instead the D&D crowd instead voted for their own personal bio-flick Napoleon Dynamite. I already stated my conspiracy theory about Napoleon being produced by MTV studios, so I won’t go into that again.

Funniest acceptation surprisingly goes to the biggest surprise winner, Dustin Hoffman (seriously, does anyone who watches MTV see Meet the Fockers?), who rightfully put Eminem in his place. As for the most boring speech, that goes to Lindsay Lohan who warns us to watch out for the paparazzi. Um, OK, thanks for the tip. Granted the only reason she won was because most of the votes were taken before her magical disappearing breast trick, otherwise Rachel McAdams, who is pretty hot for a Canadian, would have made it a clean sweep for the night. While I’m talking about The Notebook I finally got a look at the dude from The Notebook, the dude everyone was comparing me to this winter, for the first time, and I see no resemblance. Not to mention, sadly no one who looks like Rachel McAdams had jumped on me during that time. Oh well.

For those keeping track, that would be three bland MTV Awards shows in a row. Here’s a suggestion to MTV, through tons of money at Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle for this year’s VMA’s.