57 Channels and Only This Is On 8/31/13

Quote of the Week: What the (expletive deleted) is a Jemmye? (Frank, The Challenge: Rivals II)

Song of the Week: The One That Got Away – The Civil Wars (Ravenswood commercial)

Scene of the Week:


Big News of the Week: The Video Music Awards Hit a New Low: Stephan Colbert set the tone for this year’s VMA’s when he crushed Daft Punk for choosing the award show over his nightly program. I thought this would end up being a big joke as Colbert would end up pulling a Soy Bomb during Daft Punk’s “surprise appearance.” Except Daft Punk did not end up performing, they just presented the Best Female Video. And by present, I mean they just stood there while Pharrell and Niles Rogers did all the talking. It was that kind of night.

As for the things that actually happened, Lady Gaga was predictably over the top and annoying as she opened the show. Except by the second performance, every one forgot about Gaga. The 2013 VMA’s, for better or worse, became The Miley Cyrus Show. And it was the worse. I never thought anyone would ever give a more embarrassingly bad performance than the Britney Spears Gimme More debacle, but Miley somehow managed to do so. But where Britney was out of shape, underprepared, and (probably) on too many mood stabilizers, amazingly, that was actually the performance Miley was trying to give, tongue, nude bikini and all. Unfortunately this is a sight I will never be able to unsee.


Ray Donovan: As I predicted last week, it took Sully the whole episode to get to Los Angeles. It will probably take until the end of the season for him to get into a room with Mickey. It was almost as obvious that Mickey was going to kill Van Miller, it was obvious he wanted his Hollywood career over his freedom. Except I though he was going to bash his head in with a stapler or something when Van, but it turns out Mickey brought a gun with him. But if Van was as paranoid as he portrayed, how does he not search Mickey or at the very least do not turn your back on a known murderer. Poor Van, he was by far the most interesting character on the show.

Under the Dome: Well Raylan Givens’ baby mama did spice things up this week but her mother may have been more interesting. Of course she goes overboard (but is it really that hard to swim a couple hundred meters without the use of your hands? Just flip on your back and dolphin kick your way to shore). But the mini dome saga just muddled things this week, why did it shock the radio chick but did not do anything to the reporter?
You can stream Under The Dome exclusively on Amazon Instant Video, free for Prime members.

Siberia: Well we finally learned what happened to the faux-lesbian. Although she somehow ended up very far away from where the helicopter fell. So did she never get on it? Did she just wander around after the helicopter not pick her up before getting covered in snow? Did the thing(s) with the footprints drag her there? Eh, it does not really matter.
You can stream recent episodes on Siberia on iTunes.

Pretty Little Liars: The show has been flirting with absurdity throughout most of its run and they may have finally gone full tilt with Erza turning out to be A even though it makes no sense at all. If they continue down this path, the show can reach the time travel season of Lost of absurdity next season. Though I suspect we will quickly learn that Erza is yet just another pawn of the real A much like Toby who was revealed to be a member of The A Team only for us to learn a couple episodes later he just infiltrated The A Team to keep Spencer safe. Yawn.

But as it stands, let me get this EzrA story straight: So EzrA thought he knocked up Allison, then killed her (although I thought Garrett and Jenna actually did that deed when they bashed her skull with a shovel), then when her body disappeared, he moved to her hometown to teach at her high school, hook up with one of her friends (you know, because the last under-aged relationship he had went so well) and then when they finally found her body (which now begs the question, whose body was found under the DiLaurentis’s gazebo?), started taunting her friends because that is when he realized that Allison was not actually dead and he thought harassing them would lead him to the not so dead Allison. What?!?
You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Pretty Little Liars on iTunes.

The Bridge: Last week I thought that the guy they captured would end up being the mastermind or he would be another patsy and we probably would not learn who it was until the end of the season. Not only did we learn he was just another patsy, we actually leaned the mastermind used to work with Carlos, and was cozying up next to Mrs. Ruiz. Oh yeah, and Carlos boned his wife right before she died. Should make for an excellent last couple episodes.
You can stream recent episodes on The Bridge on iTunes.

The Challenge: Rivals II: It is easy to get tired of contestants that have been on five too many Challenges (Johnny, Paula), but I will never be out on Camilla no many how many seasons she does as long as she goes H.A.M. on someone at least once per season. And best part about her going into a blind rage this week was she just got done telling Jemmye not to lose her cool over something stupid right before losing her cool over something stupid. I know I have made this suggestion before, but some reality television producer should team Camilla up with another crazy Brazilian hot head, Abi-Marie from Survivor: Philippines where the two just go from town to town and go H.A.M. on unsuspecting Americans.
You can download The Challenge: Rivals II on iTunes.


Preview Picture of the Week:

"What Happens in Jersey... (Part 2)" Melissa and Joe, Wednesday at 8:00 on ABC Family

Free Download of the Week: Hey Grace, Hey Tony – Grace and Tony (NoiseTrade.com)

Deal of the Week: Amzon has an announced sale right now with a couple albums for only $2.99 including Kacey Musgraves, The Killers, Taylor Swift, and Kanye West’s Cruel Summer collection. Get them while you can.


New Album Release of the Week: The Worse Things Get, The Harder I Fight, The Harder I Fight, The More I Love You - Neko Case

New DVD Release of the Week: Spartacus: War of the Damned - The Complete Third Season [Blu-ray]

Video of the Week: Best case scenario, Ravenswood will be Angel to Pretty Little Liars’ Buffy, a darker version of the original. Worst case scenario it starts out as convoluted as recently canceled The Lying Game. But I do give points to show for using the great The One That Got Away in its first promo. The two hour crossover event airs October 22. The second hour is being called the “series premiere” but it is unclear if the second episode will air the following week or will not air until Winter when the new season of Pretty Little Liars is set to return. I am guessing the latter because if it starts in October, it will run into ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas unless they do like the last two seasons of The Walking Dead which airs six straight episodes starting in October and finishes the season the following year.


Next Week Pick of the Week: The Comedy Central Roast of James Franco, 10:00 on Comedy Central: The Comedy Central Roasts were an annual event for me but in recent years they have devolved into a dais of nobodies planted by the network who try to be the most shocking while “roasting” the lowest of the low in pop culture like Charlie Sheen, Donald Trump, and David Hasselhoff. This year they actually recruited an actual star this year in James Franco who will be roasted by his friends like Roastmaster Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill, Bill Hader, Andy Sandburg, Aziz Ansari, Nick Kroll, Sarah Silverman, and Natasha Leggero instead of unknowns that Comedy Central pulled off their comedy special (the only holdover is Jeff Ross on his eleventh straight roast for the network). Sure there will be plenty of James Franco likes to perform oral sex on dudes and other jokes straight from This Is The End, but I am sure this will be the most entertaining televised roast in awhile.