Please, if you will, hop in the Scooter McGavin Time Machine (patent pending) all the way back to June 14, 2006 when right here on the 9th Green I wrote:
“If rap had a drug policy, Timbaland would be slapped with a 50 day suspension by now. Dude makes Big Head Barry look like Barry Bonds circa when I Got a Man was popular (Scooter’s Note: I had just made a Positive K reference earlier in the post).”
So it came to little surprise when I saw this headline today: 50 Cent, Mary J. Blige, Wyclef, Timbaland Reportedly Named in New York Steroids Probe. Okay, a little surprised; seriously, Mary J, Blige? No word yet if this will keep any of them out of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (not that any of them beside Blige has even the smallest chance of getting in). Also as head scratching was the inclusion of actor, writer, director Tyler Perry. Do you really need HGH to dress like an old black chick? Certainly the prosthetics that Eddie Murphy uses can’t cost much more than black market steroids.
What is disturbing about all this is that according to the Albany Times Union, many of the artists listed in the probe got their prescriptions were signed by South Florida osteopath Dr. Gary Brandwein who happened to also be the doctor who prescribed drugs to Chris Benoit and sadly we all know how that turned out. As of press time, only a spokesperson of Blige responded saying, “Mary J. Blige has never taken any performance-enhancing illegal steroids.”
I wonder if the others will pull out the old classics “I unknowingly took them” or “I was only given B-12 shots” or “I just took them once and didn’t like them” or my personal favorite, “I was going to try them until I saw the needles, I don’t do needles man.” Granted much like Big Head Barry’s ever growing head, the videos below featuring Timbaland and 50 Cent (who allegedly used the pseudonym Michael Jordan to obtain his HGH) pretty much speak for themselves:
It seems as the years go by the music on the radio gets worse and worse thanks in part this year to karaokers, mom rockers, pseudo-punk rockers, and ringtone rappers that polluted the air worse than any Hummer. And can we please stop inviting Akon to sing on every song? In honor of the top 40 radio stations that have ruined radio here are the forty worst songs of the year even though I bet playlists are down to 25-30 songs these day.
Before I get into the worst of this year, I would like to make a special mention of Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya) by Ahslee Simpson which is too new to make this list but has certainly set the bar pretty high (or low depending how you look at it) for the Worst Songs of 2008. But anyways. Feel free to leave the songs that really irritated you this year in the comment section and of course if you disagree with any of my selections, you have the power to influence the 9th Green Reader’s Favorite Songs of 2007 Poll:
Since I have been completing my favorite songs of the year list for over a decade, thought out the years I hear five or songs and think, there a potential overall number one for this year. The thing is, this year not one song that came out that made me think that making me wonder if 2007 could be the worst year for music in my lifetime overtaking 1999. That was until I started compiling this list of the worst albums of the year and noticed that there were not that many bad albums. This year only two albums garnered the Low Terror Alert level compared with five last year (plus Paris Hilton who is still the only artist to get the elusive Terror Alert Black), and six the year before.
This could also be because there just seemed to be a lot less music period this year. Last year I reviewed about a hundred albums but this year just over fifty got reviewed. But looking over potential songs that will make the top 100 songs of the year, there does seem to be an overabundance of good songs, just not any great ones. In face, the fiftieth best song this year may be the best fiftieth song of all time. So I am ready to declare 2007 the Most Mediocre Year Ever.
With that said, there are a few albums that need to be noted for their unlistenablity. Here are the worst of the worst album that I reviewed in the past five months. If you are interested in reading my original review, click the link below the album, the album link goes to iTunes if you enjoy torture.
To the hip-hop purists: remember back in the late nineties when one of your buddies slipped you a mix tape featuring a rapper who mixed wit (How to Rob) with grit (Heat) and filled the void left by the deaths Biggie and Pac?
To the fourteen year old white girls: Remember when the really buff guy that the uber-cute Eminem found who thankfully always walked around without his shirt (except for when he wore his bulletproof vest, but that just upped the bad boy quota), who some was always played in the club, and by club I mean the middle school dance?
And there are the two careers of 50 Cent and it is almost appropriate to write separate reviews for the two different groups of music listeners. But I won’t because I’m lazy. But for the rap purists they probably have already given up on 50 after openly courting the suburban females on The Massacre. But 50 was quick to learn just how fickle the teenage girl is (remember O-Town? no? um, never mind) when the soundtrack to Get Rich or Die Trying barely sold a million copies after his first two major label album sold thirteen million combined. And it did not help that Lily Allen was able to take the unlistenable Window Shopper and flip into something extremely catchy.
50, knowing he could never court back the hip-hop purist, completes his sell out on Curtis by bringing in the likes of Justin Timberlake (Ayo Technology), the chick from the Pussycat Dolls (who adds her vocal scratches Fire), and what album these days wouldn’t be complete without Akon. But it is laughable heard a dude that looks like Starvin Marvin sing about gang warfare on I Still Kill.
And 50 is quick to readily admit he’s has sold out and flaunt it on songs like I Get Money and Straight to the Bank. The two songs are head scratches apposed to head noders. I Get Money for some reason features 50 chanting the cheesy Hip Hop Hooray hook. But when Naughty by Nature does it is cheesy good, when 50 does it is cheesy bad. Then Straight to the Bank features an annoying “ha, ha, ha, ha” chorus, courtesy of the always annoying Tony Yayo, where you have to ask how could anyone think that was a good idea.
Curtis actually starts of with an actual classic 50 sound with My Gun Go Off and gets his gangsta on over a treacherous beat. But that quickly ends as the rest of the album is a muddled mess which is possibly thanks to having seventeen different producers listed for seventeen different tracks. Mary J. Blige brings some class to All of Me but it is just way to late to help the train wreck of an album.
And 50 shows traits of someone trying to grasp onto the spotlight by just recycling past hits. Follow My Lead might as well be the 22nd Question but switched out Nate Dogg with the dude from Growing Pains’ kid (a complete downgrade). And I will let you all discuss amongst yourself what the worse metaphor for sex is: Candy Shop or Amusement Park. What is the cheesy metaphor for the next album, a movie theater, cruise ship, state fair? Then Fully Loaded Clip tries to update How to Rob but without the underlining humor.
Even though the battle has been hyped for a month, it is a foregone conclusion that Kanye West will be the chart champ next week. 50 Cent’s real competition will be with Kenny Chesney for second. And don’t count out the High School Musical 2 Soundtrack pushing 50 down to fourth.
To get you to read this whole post, somewhere I tell how to get a free song from a major artist with an album coming out.
September starts up this weekend which means record companies are stacking their release schedule in hopes for your Christmas dollars. Well the first Tuesday is pretty bleak with nothing but a reissue of The Piper at the Gates of Dawn headlining the week, but after that it is nothing but big names until Thanksgiving. Much like every Fall Music Preview past I have to give my obligatory the three quarters of the year sucked massively with only a few bright spots, most notably from English chicks with problems (i.e. Lily Allen, Amy Winehouse). But the few bright spots were overshadowed by some monumental disappointment (i.e. Kelly Clarkson, Fall Out Boy, Maroon 5, Smashing Pumpkins, Trapped in the Closet, rap music in general).
Here is a look at some artists who hope to turn the record company’s success around, many of which will have their albums reviewed here. If you are interrested in preordering the albums from Amazon, the link on the album name will take you their, the links on artists names will take you to their iTunes page. If I left one of your favorite artists off the list with an upcoming album feel free to drop me a comment or feel free to wax poetic in the comment section on which albums you are looking forward to. (Note: release dates subject to change)
September 11
Graduation - Kanye West: As mentioned earlier, rap music in general hasn’t been very good this year, but if there is someone who can change that it will be the guy who released the two best rap albums this decade. Although I am a little worried about the T-Pain and Lil’ Wayne cameos. See the side bar to preorder Graduation on iTunes.
Curtis - 50 Cent: Nothing says I completely sold out more that a Justin Timberlake appearance. 50 said he would retire if Kanye out sold him which should be enough reason to pick up Graduation this week. Preorder Curtis on iTunes.
September 18
Drastic Fantastic - KT Tunstall: Tunstall is one o four artists that can boast they receive a Severe rating on my Terror Alert so my expectations are high for her sophomore outing. Granted after hearing the first single my expectations dropped just a little. Preorder Drastic Fantastic on iTunes.
Last of Seven - Pat Monahan: The dude from Train with a solo album? Well the dude from Matchbox Twenty had a few hit so I guess why not.
Playlist - Babyface: Remember when Babyface was the biggest R&B songwriter. I won’t a correlation that the genre has pretty much sucked since he went out of demand. Now ‘Face is trying out other’s material with a cover album including the James Taylor classic Fire and Rain.
September 25
Echo, Silence, Patience and Grace - Foo Fighters: I can’t say I have bought a Foo Fighters album since the first one, but that is not to say they don’t have plenty of songs I love. And the first single, The Pretender definitely rocks hard. Preorder Echo, Silence, Patience and Grace on iTunes.
Songs About Girls - Will.i.am: I was a big Black Eyed Peas guy back in the day. Then the Fergie era was ushered in and they have sucked ever since. So this should be interesting to see if Fergie is like good music kryptonite and take her out of the equation and Will be entertaining again or has she tainted him forever.
October 2
Magic - Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band: Remember at the top of the post you could get a free song from a major artist, well that is from none other than Bruce and company. Click on Radio Nowhere and download the first single off the album for free on iTunes. Yeah this is cool but it is a safe assumption I am going to buy the whole album anyway, but will be able to jam to the song for a month before the album comes out but you can always pre-order the album while you are picking up the single now. Get song now because it stops being free at the end of this week
As an added bonus, you can also get the new Paul McCartney single, Nod Your Head as well as the video (which is prett cheesy) for the song for free too.
Revival - John Fogerty: October 2nd is like September 11th for old white dudes with the Boss taking on the Creedence Clearwater Revival front man. Well accept it is obvious who will take the top spot this week.
Live Earth: Interesting that the track listing hasn’t been released yet so I bet there are some licensing issues which may leave some great performances off the disk (are the Rolling Stones trying to get too much money for the Gimme Shelter performance?). The only confirmed song is John Mayer’s Waiting on the World to Change. Preorder Live Earth on iTunes.
October 9
Rock and Roll Jesus - Kid Rock: My sources tell me this album, his first in four years, six since anyone cared, will be more rock than rap. The first single, So Hot is pretty forgettable. Maybe he should hook back up with Sheryl Crow and target the soccer mom again.
Heroes and Thieves - Vanessa Carlton: I’m a little torn on her comeback. On one hand I love her first album (indifferent to the second) but they she went and signed with The Inc (formerly Murder Inc) and Irv Gotti is helping produce the album.
The Black and White Album - The Hives: The group may have recorded one of the best one hit wonders of the decade but it looks like this is their attempt to wipe that title from their résumé.
Click the link to see part 2 of my 2007 Fall Music Preview. And again if I missed anything let me know or just comment on what you are looking forward to.
One of the coolest musical innovations in recent memory is the mash-up. For those that may not be familiar with the term, it is when you take the vocals from one song and place them over the instrumental from a different song. This technique was popularized last year when a DJ by the name of Danger Mouse took Jay-Z’s The Black Album and mashed it up with the Beatles White Album to create the Grey Album. Since then the art form has exploded with DJ getting more creative and sometimes mashing up five or more different song at the same time. So to honor the brilliance of this new art form I decided to list the best mash-up I have heard for the first time this past year. I tried to give credit to the creator of the mash-up, but due to some poor labeling, some have gotten lost and I even had to create a name for a few mash-ups that I discovered nameless. Please do not ask for me to send you any of these songs because for legal reasons I cannot confirm or deny that any of these songs actually exist not that I would illegally download copyrighted material even though that material has been altered from any version that could be bought. If you want the unaltered album version, I will list some of the songs featured in the mash-ups in parentheses.
Before I get into the list, anyone who is smart probably has stopped watching Saturday Night Live after the Sandler, Myers, Rock era ended, yet for some reason I still turned but last week I was treated to the funniest sketch since the S/M/R era featuring Chris Parnell and newbie Andy Samburg. If you know what I’m talking about iTunes and NBC have given us a Christmas present in the form of the sketch for free download. If you haven’t seen it, I won’t go into it that much it as it will slightly ruin the hilarity, but watch out for the line "You can call us Aaron Burr by the way we're dropping Hamiltions." You definitely want to download it. Unfortunately iTunes doesn’t have a feature where you can link to videos but if you click on any of my iTunes links and go to the store’s main page, it’s will rotate on one of the top ads. So go ahead and download it, it’s free and I promise you won’t be disappointed.
And before I get into the best of coming after Christmas, I first want to start with those albums that you should all avoid. I would like to note that this list was compiled from albums that I reviewed this year and may not truly represent the worst of the worst, just those that I was willing to listen to. I’m sure albums released this year by Madonna, Korn, or the dude from Creed were even worst than most of the albums on the list, but I couldn’t bring myself to give them a listen. If there were any albums you absolutely hated in the past year feel free to leave them in the comment section. For those that are interested to check these albums on the list out, the link on the album goes directly to iTunes (and you can use it to get to the SNL skit too) while the links in the parentheses go to my original reviews.
Back in the late 90’s, my go to rap guy handed me a mix tape with one of the most entertaining songs I had heard in a while, How to Rob, by the then unknown 50 Cent. Since then 50 dropped classic mix tape one after another earning the title as the greatest underground MC. Then he finally got his chance after being discovered by Eminem who introduced 50 to the world on the soundtrack of his own big screen debut, 8 Mile.
Less than four years later, 50 is ready to hit the big screen himself with his own semi-autobiographical film, Get Rich or Die Trying. But where the 8 Mile Soundtrack only featured two songs from the star, 50 turned his soundtrack to his movie into essentially a G-Unit album without any rappers that aren’t part of his crew. This was a bad idea because 8 Mile brought in heavy hitters like Nas, Jay-Z, and Rakim, Get Rich or Die Trying gets weighed down by 50’s friends who makes George Bush’s accusations of cronyism pale in comparison to 50 bring in his third rate crew to the album.
The soundtrack starts off with 50’s attempt to write his own Lose Yourself with Hustlers Ambition. But where Slim Shady wrote the song in response to critic who said he couldn’t write a curse-free song, every fifth word Hustlers Ambition needs to be censored on the radio which makes me wonder why and station or MTV would play it. But for the rest of the album, most of the songs have a curse word as much as every third word. A wide man once said it’s easy to get your point across by cursing; it takes a real wordsmith to do the same without cursing. Obviously 50 likes taking easy way out.
And there in lies the problem with 50 these days. When he was unknown he was hungry, and his is music showed it and that carried over to his first major label released Get Rich or Die Trying, not to be confused with the Soundtrack of the same name. But since then he has become complacent in his rap, content to just rehash everything he has done before rather than to push his music further. This is most relevant on What If which sound much like How to Rob but instead of taking about how he would rob famous people, he instead name drops his peers taking about how lame he would be if he imitated them. Sadly he doesn’t realize he is now just a pale imitation of himself when he was relevant.
50 isn’t the only member of G-Unit who likes to rehash previous hits. On Don’t Need No Help, Young Buck rehashes the famous the classic NWA refrain, **** tha police more often than Ice Cube did on the original fifteen years ago. There is even more police bashing on the anti-snitch I Don’t Know Officer. Yawn.
Of course 50 has a bunch of songs that are reminiscing of In da Club and Candy Shop, the songs that got him on TRL in the first place with potential club hits such as We Both Think Alike, Best Friend, and Have a Party, which is bogged down by that annoying G-g-g-g-g-Unit chant every five seconds. Lloyd Bank$ even raps “I’m TRL next to Avril Lavigne” on Born Alone, Die Alone as if that’s an accomplishment. All that means is that your target audience is now fourteen year old white. So if you are not a fourteen year old white girl, you need to stay away from the Get Rich or Die Trying Soundtrack.
Song to Download – You Already Know (This is only because it has the best beat. You would be better off saving your money)
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on my 
- 50 Cent: Nothing says I completely sold out more that a 