Act Like You've Been There Before

I really never cared much for Terrell Owens. I’ve always gone with the “act like you’ve been there before” philosophy. Granted I thought the sharpie incident was brilliantly conceived and I like anytime someone mocks Ray Lewis. But for the most part, I know if Owens is teased to be coming up on Sportscenter, I’m pretty sure I’ll be disgusted. From his endzone celebrations, to calling Jeff Garcia gay, to all the sophomoric junk that went on this summer. After a relatively quiet start of the season, the Eagles start to lose and Owens starts up again. First was the whole Brett Farve thing that did get overplayed because less face it, if a healthy Farve was the Eagles quarterback rather than a hurt Donavan McNabb, the Eagle would be better. But the staw the apparently broke the Eagles’ back was the situation with Hugh Douglas. Now Owens has been calculating so far in what he said, but I didn’t think he would be that stupid to go Ron Artest on a former teammate. He really needs to leave the teammate punching to Big Head Barry. It’s never a good sign when a spectator compares something to a WWF situation.

Now it looks as if the Eagles will Keyshawn Owens and ship him off or even drop him in the off-season. (This just in Eagles' coach Andy Reid said Owens won't be back this season.) Would I want Owens for my team? In a word, no. I would much rather seem my team lose with class than win without it. Back in the 90’s I jumped off the Indians when John Hart assembled a bunch of hired thugs in hopes of winning like fan bashing Joey Bell, ump spitter Roberto Alomar, wife beater Will Cordero, and the craziest baseball player ever, Milton Bradley among others. I much preferred the perennial last place teams of the 80’s opposed to the 90’s thugs.

But surely Owens will find a team next season because, much like the Eagles two seasons ago, there will be a team who think they will be one playmaker away from the Super Bowl and pick him up. But every team should realize that Owens joined a great 49er team and left it in shambles and will likely do the same with the Eagles. I really doubt that this is a coincidence.

But with all the hoopla over T.O. isn’t even the most interesting football story this weekend. Apparently two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrested early Sunday. And what happened make the Minnesota sex boat look like a Boy Scout retreat. Angela Ellen Keathley and Renee Thomas were reportedly having sex in a nightclub’s restroom stall when they were interrupted by an angry woman waiting in line so Thomas punched her. This is quite possibly the greatest thing I’ve ever heard. I’m sure Keathley and Thomas will be coming to a Playboy magazine near you in time for the Super Bowl issue.

In other drunken chick new, shortly after giving an interview with People Magazine talking about how she hates famous people who think they are better that other people, Ashlee Simpson was caught on a camera phone berating a McDonald’s employee, calling her an expletive, and refusing to take a picture with a fan because he wouldn’t kiss her feet. What a classy lady, maybe she should hook up with Owens. Sadly I don’t have a video of the cheerleaders, but at least the Ashlee one has made it’s way onto the web, see the video for yourself – click here.

Hey, How Long 'till You Face What's Goin' On

Ashlee Simpson came to prominence solely because she had a show on MTV even though anyone who watched the show could easily tell she was tone deaf and many episodes focused on her poor performances in the studio. This point was amplified by the laughable performances at Saturday Night Live and the Orange Bowl to the point where Ashlee even had to hire a keyboard player who just happens to sing every word along with her. But thanks to Joe Simpson’s pact with the devil, Ashlee gets a second try with I Am Me.

The album starts off with the disturbingly entertaining Boyfriend coming off as the 2005 version of last years “I know I shouldn’t like it” song from last year, Since U Been Gone. The song bounces along on the uber-catchy guitar hook, and unlike Kelly, didn’t have to steal it from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. But what really makes the song is the so cheesy it becomes amusing “ha’s” that pepper the song much like the hand claps in Take the Money and Run.

Unfortunately the album doesn’t have a Behind These Hazel Eyes to accompany Boyfriend. The closest is the girl anthem L.O.V.E. The major problem with the song is what is supposed to be a chant along chorus sounds like she is saying “Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello VD.” Of course that phase could ruin any girl power moment. But then, maybe it was intended to sound like it, she was rumored to be dating the dude from That 70’s Show and he sluttied up every girl he’s came in contact with.

Lyrically the album is absurd most of the time. Occasionally they induce a good chuckle like when she is self defacing like in Boyfriend where she is confronted by a jealous girlfriend and Ashlee explains herself by saying “When I go home, I’m going home alone.” So basically she’s saying that not only could I not steal you boyfriend, I couldn’t pick any guy up. Her inability to land a guy continues on Dancing Alone which is reminiscent of Dancing with Myself (the song even sounds out of the 80’s) but without the underlining double entendre that made the Billy Idol song noteworthy. Then there is the ironic line in Boyfriend, “All the lies that you told, just to ease your own soul.” Oh but Ashlee, you are not bigger than that as you blame your drummer, your stomach, Saddam Hussein having WMD’s, and Doug Eddings.

The worst of the worst is Burning Up where Ashlee tries to moan her lyrics suggestively but it ends up sounding as alluring as Ned Beatty squealing like a pig in his underwear. The album also falters whenever they don’t mask Ashlee’s voice with a wall of sound. With only a piano accompanying her, Ashlee’s voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. For Ashlee’s next album (God forbid) she may want to take another reality star turned pop star, Kelly Osbourne and go techno because the aggravated beats can cover up even the worst voices. And with her nappy extensions, she isn’t even Beautifully Broken like the song title say, she is just broken now.

Song to Download – Boyfriend

I Am Me gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Musings From the Back 9 vol. VIII

- Today is the nail in the coffin game for the Cards. If Brandon Backe can pull off some magic like he did last year when he shut down the Cards, then they would need to beat Pettitte, Oswalt, and Clemens in three straight games and with Walker, Sanders, and Nunez with one foot in the hospital, I really don’t see that happening.

- Speaking of Nunez going down, his replacement had the worst thrown I’ve ever seen since Rick Vaughn got glasses. Even Yao Ming wouldn’t have been able to catch that ally-oop with a ladder.

- Keeping with baseball I find it interesting that the elder Bush is not prominently shown during the Astro’s home games this playoff. Last year he and Barbra were right behind the plate and easily seen in every at bat. This year they are a little right of the plate with Barbra rarely getting in the picture. Do they have different seats this year? Did Fox change their camera angle last year for a subliminal advertising for his son down the campaign stretch?

- And I am glad I finally agree with the party of my youth, the Republicans, once again, Harriet Meiers is a horrible choose. Picking someone who ran gambling commission to a seat to the Supreme Court is like electing a cocaine addict as a president. And ripping Meiers in not sexist, every nominee goes through the ringer, not doing it to her would be sexist.

- On Tuesday look out for the review of the most anticipated album of the fall, Ashlee Simpson's I Am Me. Granted that is meant to be a joke, but looking at the list of albums slated for the next couple month's only Santana's latest star-studded peeks my interest. Of course the record indistry will instead blame downloaders on the poor sales that will likely happen instead of realizing that they are putting out a bad product.

- Search item of the week - cartoons making fun of homosexuals (Yahoo)

- Here are some hints for the remaining lyrics quiz (scroll down for the quiz itself)

2. If you dressed up like the song title, you will be dressing much like the artist, braided hair, guns, and some sticky-icky.

11. A couple of people have guessed the band but if you dress like the song title you most likely chaps and a 10-gallon hat. Oscars might make a good accessory too.

12. This real person who if you want to dress like, you would have a feather and a pipe on you.

17. Much like the costume at number 11, you would want a gun and hat. If you wanted to dress like the artist, not showering for a month should do it.

Hey, How Long Till the Music Drowns You Out?

Ashlee Simpson’s take 2 on Saturday Night Live has come and gone and for some reason, I felt inclined to watch it yet again. Yeah she actually sang, but that’s not necessarily a good thing for her. I also love the new keyboardist who has been added to her band after her tone deaf performance during the Orange Bowl last year singing every single word along with her. After Saturdays poor performance I wouldn’t be surprised it the make the keyboardist a little louder on her next live performance. And even though she didn’t pull out the jig again she still performs like a contestant in a middle school talent show.

The sad thing is that the writers did nothing to poke fun at last year’s debacle at any time during the performance as if it never happened. Seriously the joke wrote itself and most likely would have been funnier than anything else on the show. The Kanye West and Mike Myers bit was the funniest part of the show last week, why not try it again? And herein lies the problem of this season of SNL – no Tina Fey. She has carried the show in recent years as the head writer and the best Weekend Update anchor since Norm McDonald. And with Fey and Maya Rudolf out with babies, why did they not bring in new females to the cast this year. Now we are stuck with a solid Amy Poehler and a not very funny Rachael Dratch to carry the load and sadly, I’m sure we’ll see a lot of Horatio Sanz in a dress this year. Speaking of the guy who break characters so much he makes Jimmy Fallon look professional, how did Sanz get to take Fey’s spot at the Update desk? I am now convinced that he has something over Loren Michaels. And surely it doesn’t help when you bring in hosts that simply are not funny like the dude from Napealon Dynamite. Then later they are bringing in Chatherine Zeta-Jones and Lance Armstrong, and so it won’t get much better.

But with all the trash talk of Ashlee, I do have a confession to make – I actually like the Boyfriend song. And it’s not like LaLa that was entertaining when hearing it sung by an old dude at karaoke kinda way either (you have not lived until you heard my version). When she continually yells “ha” just adds the cheese factor to the point it’s entertaining. And after going threw her ugly black hair period, she actually looked hot in the video too. Granted I have a theory only the most beautiful girls in the world can pull off dark hair yet just anyone can look hot with blonde. The quick editing hide her bad dancing and when she slaps her butt during her many “ha’s” makes me laugh every time. But the best part of the video is how anemic the drummer looks every time the camera is on as if he just came back from a lobotomy. You can almost hear his inner voice saying “This is what my career has come to – drumming for the least credible artist since Milli Vanilli.” Unfortunately, Ashlee when with the killed any buzz she gain by going blonde with the weird hair extensions she was sporting on SNL.

One quick baseball note, I mentioned yesterday that it looked like the Berkman grand slam and Burke walk off home run were hit in the same place and apparently I was right as the same guy caught both balls. Somebody better give that guy season tickets for life for coming up with both balls that should make their way to Cooperstown someday.