We on Award Tour: 2006 Emmy Awards

The Emmys have come and gone. Yawn. It’s never a good sign while watching an award show you start to wonder just how much weight the dude from The Love Boat has lost. The opening bit was funny, but I couldn’t help think I’ve seen it before. Well that was until Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC shows up, easily the funniest part of the opening montage although the start was a little queasy with the recent plane crash. They could have started the montage with Conan O’Brien on the beach. But it was nice that Conan got the prerequisite Mel Gibson joke out of the way early. Now we only have to wait a couple days to hear what Jack Black has to say about Mad Max. But anyways. Usually for award shows I joy down some thoughts, but considering beforehand I really didn’t care about them and I would undoubtedly be turning into Flavor of Love eventually to see if anyone did their business on Flav’s carpet this week. So here are some of the things that stood out off the top of my head:


- I guess I’ll get this out of the first because it seems that it is all that matters to award show watchers, but my award to chick from the red carpet I’d must like to have dirty, dirty sex with goes to Eva Longoria. As for the worst, that goes to the chick from Grey’s Anatomy for looking like Tommy Lee circa the Girl Don’t Go Away Mad (Girl Just Go Away) era.

- Not only did Will & Grace get more nominations than the networks that make up the new CW but they even had more presenters than them. And had Aaron Spelling not have died, the CW would have gotten no face time at all. There also something to say about how not Will nor Grace were asked to present but the two “supporting” actors did. And of course I’ve asked this the past five years but is Will & Grace seriously still on the air?

- Speaking of Spelling, after watching the montage of his shows I came to the realization that I did not watch one of his shows. Maybe the critics were right about him. Now Dick Clark, there’s a guy who deserved a tribute although they could have done better than the dude from the kareoke show and Emmy award winner Barry Manilow. Even when I went out on New Years Eve, I still tape his Rock n Eve every year.

- The Bob Newhart gag throughout the night always got a good laugh, but it was a little disappointing that they let him out before the end of the show, fake-killing Newhart would have been funnier than the telephone banter they had after they left him out.

- I’m sure the Tivo gag was funny, but when less than five percent of the population, me included, doesn’t own one, it really ended up being less funny then the Sheens. Now for a bit that was funny, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar coming out with Ernst and Young accounting team. Classic.

- It was nice to see the My Name Is Earl pilot win for Best Director and Best Script, because I really can’t remember laughing harder at any half hour on television then the first episode of that show. Plus the writer gave the best acceptance speech of the night declaring who he wasn’t going to thank. I don’t know what is more disturbing, that Two and a Half Men got nominated over Earl in the Best Comedy category or that Two and a Half Men was the most watch category last season.

- As for the funniest presenters, that easily goes to Stephan Colbert and John Stewart. Too bad the audience didn't realize that Colbert was making fun of them. And it was funny when he complained about losing to Barry Manilow; when Craig Ferguson did, not so much.

- This isn’t Emmy related but a chick on Flavor of Love just referred to Flav’s manhood as “pee-pee.” How endearing. How this show didn’t get nominated for best reality show is beyond me. And really why give out the award if you are just going to hand it to The Amazing Race every year?

- Is it wrong that I was happy that 24 won for Best Drama solely for the reason that it meant the overrated General Hospital in primetime rip-off didn’t win?

- As for the other big winner, I would really like an Emmy voter to a line up The Office and Arrested Development side by side and explain exactly how The Office is funnier. But on the bright side, at least they didn’t declared Desperate Housewives the funniest show on television (stupid foreign press).


Well that was a waste of three hours especially if the best parts end up on YouTube. Just some programming notes as it will be a busy week as a bunch of great artists (and Jessica Simpson) released albums this week, so I hope to get most of those reviewed as well as my thoughts on the upcoming Video Music Awards which should be out by Friday if not Thursday.

Second Impressions – Desperate Housewives

For a long time, I was a closet Desperate Housewives watcher when it first came out. The main reason I started watching was to see the token hot chick is as little amount of clothes that the censors would allow. The main plot was intriguing, trying to piece together why some suburban housewife would commit suicide. There were many twists and turns that kept me guessing right up to the final reveal, all along with the dead chick giving rather boring monologues throughout the shows. Overall, I wasn’t impressed with the show (check out my review of season one – Desperately Wanting) as many of the awards shows. Seriously, the Golden Globes declared it the funniest show on TV? But anyways.

I was really on the bubble of whether I’d watch it again this season but with Family Guy not being as good since it came back from cancellation and American Dad is nearly unwatchable, I decided to give Desperate Housewives a second look. Plus the apple infused commercials with Better Than Ezra’s Juicy as a soundtrack had be intrigued again.

The season started where last season began, with the plumber dude returning home while his creepy son held Lois Lane captive. Of course no one ended up dieing but at least there was a decent chuckle when the booze hound loses her bottle in the process. But nonetheless, very anti-climatic. Elsewhere, the token hot chick still doesn’t know the who the father of her child is, but at least she isn't showing yet, and the funniest actress on TV, at least according to the Emmy’s, somehow got a job by changing a diaper in her interview. Umm, okay.

What was really disappointing to me was Rex had an open casket funeral, which totally ruins my “Rex faked his death” theory. This then leads to a potential shark jumping scene where the psycho chick from Melrose Place stalks the church for a new tie when her mother-in-law had a tie psycho chick thought was tacky. Yet she then picks a tie that was equally tacky and proceeds to put the tie on Rex. All I have to say is, “Ewww.”

The big mystery of the season was also set up in the season premiere with the addition of the token black family that briefly featured last season. We finally learn the dark secret, that that they are hiding someone in there basement. Granted I guessed that secret the moment they let Edie inside. Now the easy money is on that its dad downstairs but I think dad hightailed it out of there tears ago and the “bad” son is downstairs ala Sloth. The son we did meet is very straight laced and a momma’s boy, I think because he’s seen momma wrath when the “bad” son did something wrong he doesn’t want to join him down there.

Verdict: Much like a car crash, I know I should turn away yet I keep on looking.

We on Award Tour - 2005 Emmy Awards

The Emmy awards were announced so long ago, I almost forgot they haven’t actually given out the awards yet, but after watching the show. I kind of wished I had missed it. But to be honest I did watch The Simpson and Family Guy while they were on with the Emmys in the picture in picture. I did give The War at Home a second chance during the commercial breaks and it was just as bad as last week (See First Impressions). Well on to my observations:

- We start off with Earth Wind & Fire changing the lyrics to mention different television show. Ironically, most of the show mentioned weren’t even nominated. Granted this was a lot funnier when the Village People opened one of the MTV Movie Awards changing Macho Man into an ode to Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, Psycho (Expletive Deleted). The out of no where, the Black Eyed Peas storm the stage because in their contract with Satan, they are to perform on every awards show. Oscars, you’re next. The best part of this was when the members of both bands ran into the crowd to pick one of the nominees to dance with and the long haired pea started dancing with Raymond’s mom while another totally got shot down by Halle Barry.

- Then our host Ellen comes out for a laugh less monologue. What, they couldn’t get P. Diddy? Ellen brought up that two of the worst disasters in American happen after she was announced to host the Emmy and made a joke out of it. Yeah, that’s not really funny. I read that Pat Robertson blamed Ellen for 9/11 and Katrina. Granted I got this from what can be considered a reliable source (no offence Bob), but if this is true, does that mean that Robertson endorses Arabs who crash planes into building as long as they are protesting gay homosexuals? If so, it’s another reason to hate religious fanatics of all religions.

- Next we have the cast of Family Guy making fun of Desperate Housewives followed by the Desperate Housewives themselves. Wait, cartoons making fun of nominees, where have I seen this? Oh, yeah, Beavis and Butthead at the VMA’s.

- It is extremely disturbing that William Shatner won an acting award. It’s like Jennifer winning a Hip-Hop VMA and Hillary Clinton winning a Grammy. What’s next is Hurley going to win an ESPY?

- The Blue Man Group gave possible the best presentations in awards show history, but I must admit I was a little disappointed that Tobias wasn’t involved.

- And when I thought Veronica Mars couldn’t look any hotter when she was sporting her Madonna wear at her 80’s dance, she topped herself with the leg warmers and sweatshirt over the shoulder look during her performance of the Theme to Fame (click here to download). She gets extra props for not missing a beat even when one of the dancers dropped her. And for anyone who missed last season, if there isn’t a better reason to watch her show, I don’t know what is, well aside from being the best show on television last year. But anyways.

- Taking yet another page out of the VMA playbook they give out best male and female guest star awards at the same time. And to boot, one of them couldn’t read roman numerals. Did he skip fourth grade?

- The best writing awards montage showed exactly why these people should have been nominated. The best was Conan’s speeding though his writes to get to a slow-mo video of himself.

- Letterman comes out to pay tribute to Johnny Carson and this was a lot better than the news anchors tribute.

- Next we had some dude and Macy Gray joined by a choir to do a decent job singing the Jefferson’s theme. My new to top goal is to famous enough in time to be asked to sing the theme to Welcome Back Kotter at next years awards show.

- Winning the Calista Flockhart “I Haven’t Eaten in a Month” Award goes to the chick from Grey’s Anatomy.

- The best part of the night was John Stewart’s pre-tape political commentary, “George Bush hates black (Sabbath).” So Stewart, Letterman, and Conan were all there yet we have to put up with Ellen as the host? Stewie Griffin would have been a better choice to host.

- Of course any Academy Awards show is complete without some old dude who runs the whole thing making an appearance.

- Felicity Huffman is apparently the funniest woman on television. Um, did I miss something? How exactly does this happen? But at least we got to hear the funniest line of the night when Conan said he could finally live out his lifelong dream of disappointing four women at the same time.

- - Donald Trump wins the Emmy Idol. I smell a fix, was Don King involved or something? I would like to say to anyone who actually voted for Trump – You, my sir, are a moron. Now we have to put up with Trump claiming he is the greatest singer in the world for the next five years. Thanks.

- What was up with Hugh Jackman’s beard? Did he seriously let everything grow then shave off only the mustache?

- Lost wins best drama. Ho hum, Veronica Mars was truly the best show last season.

- And because the Emmy loves one last hurrah, Everyone (except me) Loves Raymond sweeps most of the comedy awards. So anyone who wants to win a Emmy, just end your show, you will be a show in. Which is better than the Grammys where you have to die to sweep the awards.


Final Tally
Predicted Correctly: 8 of 22 (.364)
Wanted to Win: 4 of 21 (.190)

We on Award Tour - 2005 Video Music Awards Recap

The MTV Video Music Awards have come and gone this year. A lot of cool thing that happened this year, but much like last year, there was not a defining water cooler moment again granted I was at the water cooler today gushing over the return of Beavis and Butthead. Diddy was your host and he didn’t suck as bad as the Wayans Brothers yet he came no where close to Chris Rock, Dennis Miller or even Arsinio Hall. And why has no one pointed out the Diddy has adopted the name of a cheesy rap song from the early 90’s yet. Am I the only one who remembers that song? “Do the diddy if you won’t do me cause damn I can see that you want me.” But anyways, here are some of my highlights from the show:

Pre-Show
- So there was a car show of the pimpest rides on the pre-show with Green Day’s car from the Holiday video stealing the show. But can we retire the word “pimp” as a positive adjective. Let’s not forget a true pimp is someone who forces women to sell their bodies for money. This is a word that should ever be glorified.

- Also part of the car show was Ludacris who drove in a custom Louis Vuittan car. Did I miss something; I thought LV was for chicks. Any guy I see with LV gets mocked thoroughly.

- The Game also rolled up in his car. Although the commentator called him just Game. So what is it, “The Game” or just “Game?” Did he drop the "The" like Diddy dropped the "P?" I’m just a corny old white dude; I need help figuring these things out.

- MTV apparently has a new fashion consultant, Coltrane. Just what MTV needs, their very on Joan Rivers critiquing clothes.

- During the pre-show, they were hawking a new Madonna concert DVD. Is there anyone who would actually spend money to see a 40 year old lip-sync?

- Okay, it seems that Houston is the new hot rap city, but after hearing the medley of Houston rappers perform, I think it may be time to move to the next city. Topeka anyone?

- Yes, those were Ice-T’s wife’s nipples you saw. Brings back fond memories of Rose McGowan.

- John Norris was heard asking everyone who is going to win the big prize but would always interject, “A lot of people say Kanye will take home the big one.” John, actually you were the only one who was saying it.

The Main Show
- Odd choice with a Green Day performing a relatively low key Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Not quite as good as my suggestion.

- Yes that was a teleprompter you saw in Diddy opening “performance.” He comes out to Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s Relax, Diddy is the only one who loves the 80’s more than VH1. And for those keeping track, that’s the second gay anthem that Diddy has associated himself with, Diana Ross’ I'm Coming Out.

- The opening itself was cool, but reminded me too much as a mini version of the Olympics ceremony. The water theme was also cool, especially how they transitioned the video nominees.

- Winning the Carrie Fisher Award for hot chick that has fallen the quickest goes to Lindsay Lohan. She just gets uglier and uglier. Someone buy her a Big Mac please.

- Interesting to mix up the Best Male and Female Videos together. Kanye West and Kelly Clarkson win, okay mash-up artist, it’s time to give that a try. Behind These Gold Digging Eyes anyone?

- Big Daddy Butthead and fire loving Beavis are back. Now where exactly can I vote for them to get back on MTV?

- I have a theory that Ciara is the black Britney Spears. Marginally attractive but shows a lot of skin – check. Limited vocal range – check. Attaches herself to an equally talent less boyfriend – check. Focuses more time on her dancing than singing – check. Make music that makes my ears bleed – check.

- Now I’m a sucker for steel drum, but I was still disappointed there was no Mike Myers during Ludacris’ performance, instead we get some dude named Bobby Valentino.

- Did Diddy really call Orlando Bloom the prettiest person in the world?

- It was nice to see Grandmaster Flash. Too bad it was ruined with a dance off between Diddy and Omarion. Which then led to the biggest surprise of the night, an appearance by Hammer? Hey, anything can happen. And yes, I still know every word to U Can'T Touch This. And thinking about it, I know Hammer wasn't a one hit wonder, but can anyone name another one of his songs?

- Worst outfit award goes to Jessica Simpson weird backless, yet still wearing a bra, French Maid ensemble. She also takes home worst hair award.

- Am I mistaken, or did Alicia Keys wear the same unfavorable, form fitting, dress as last year?

- What was with the dude with Shakira and his guitar? He only strummed it about two times; it was like members of N’Sync performing with microphone. I wonder if the dude was carrying it because he needed to hides something.

- Umm, should I know what clowning or crumping is? My spell check doesn’t even know what the crumping is.

- Missy Elliot wins Best Dance Video. Shouldn’t this award go to a song you could actually dance to?

- Holy Eric Roberts sighting! Nice plug for his step-son’s, Keaton Simons, album and website. Now how exactly do I go about getting my refund that he offered?

- Now typically I rip anyone who lip-syncs, but I’ll let R. Kelly slid on account they he gave the most entertaining performance o the night. And just when I thought nothing could top Chapters 1-5 videos for Trapped in the Closet, Kelly goes and tops himself with a one man show debuting Chapter 6. I can’t wait for Chapters 7-12. Kelly was also seen on the red, oops, white carpet wearing an “I’m Rick James’ Bitch” shirt. I’m sorry to hear that and I sure hope your crack-pipe burns have healed by now R.

- Did we really need to see a naked Sean Combs? Although Kunta Combs was funny. It was nice to see Diddy take a pot shot at half the country when he brought up his Vote or Die campaign. Which reminds me, when is Diddy going to get around to killing Paris Hilton, she didn’t even register to vote.

- Diddy announces that Hilary Duff and Joel Madden are the Jay-Z and Beyoncé of rock. Well except Jay-Z waited for Beyoncé to be well past 18 before they started dating. Now Joel may be the Roman Polanski of pseudo-punk, that might be a better comparison. I wonder what the age of consent is in Florida.

- The Killers are remote from some hotel. Very Miami Vice setting, fitting for the band’s love for the 80’s is only trumped by Diddy.

- Holy Lil' Kim sighting! Shouldn’t she be in jail by now, wasn’t she convicted a couple months ago. Oh, I forgot, she’s famous (relatively), she can show up to jail whenever she want. It’s odd that all the famous guys get off yet the famous females get jail time.

- We are then treated to by an appearance by Big Daddy Poseidon and the Roman God of feces and manure. Seriously, where can I vote to get Beavis and Butthead back on the air?

- Nice tribute to Biggie although it was surprising that they went with lesser known Juicy and Warning instead of smashes like Big Poppa or Hypnotize. And they even censored the line “blow up like the World Trade,” I’m not sure that was needed. He wasn’t even alive for reason they bleeped it for. And as the ten year anniversaries of their deaths creep closer, I’m starting to begin to think that maybe Biggie and Tupac are really dead, not hanging out in Hawaii with Elvis as I previously thought.

- The classiest and least classy people, Common and Johnny Knoxville present together. I shouldn’t have to specify which is which.

- Morbidly Obese Joe presents a medley of Reggaeton artists. That was extremely horrible. This could be to my generation what rap was to my parents and rock and roll was to their parents. I really hate the whole getting old thing.

- Missy Elliot defies conventional wisdom again by winning Best Hip Hop. But then again, this category hasn’t had any credibility since Jennifer Lopez won it.

- Worst Bling of the night goes to Pharrell. This is saying a lot with all the mouth bling the Houston rappers were sporting.

- I wonder why Coldplay is now putting MTF on its piano. I’m not sure many people realized that it stands for maketradefair.com. It was nice to see Chris Martin run up to the cheap seats and get surrounded by a bunch of drunken people.

- Should I know who B5 is? And all they do is present other presenter. Was that really needed?

- Kelly Clarkson wins best pop and walks through the fountain of water to accept the award. I love the gratuitous Gwen Stefani shots after she losses. It almost like MTV was jabbing at her for threatening to not show up is they didn’t let her perform. They didn’t even show any of the Moonmen she won on the big show.

- Not since Andrew Dice Clay has MTV given a comedian air time at the VMA’s for some stand up, and this year they give time to… Dane Cook? Should I know who he is? Actually the guy was pretty funny, especially the part about putting a detonator in your kid. Maybe they should get this dude to host next year.

- The Killers win Best New Artist and for the first time ever, and drummer actually gives the acceptance speech.

- Stefani win best Diddy’s best dressed challenge even though she’s wearing some leopard spot dress out of the Soprano’s wardrobe. Obviously the female population voted for this as is it was judged by dudes Eva Longoria would have won by a landslide.

- Guided Vocal Alert! As I predicted, Mariah Carey’s performance made for a good bathroom break and her little midget showed to move around like an idiot. And if The Lox ever want to get some street cred, maybe they should stop showing up on J-Lo and Mariah songs.

- I don’t know who Paulina Rubio is, but I’m glad she wore that dress. And I like how she kept trying to say the Gorillaz couldn’t be their as the cartoon’s acceptance speech ran behind her.

- Remember when 50 Cent had credibility? His guided vocal performance was quite boring, and then brings out Mobb Deep, who just became hype men. Then come out the winner of the Macy Gray Award for lamest self promotion, Tony Yayo to perform the worst song of the medley. But thing were almost salvaged as 50 went on a tirade against Morbidly Obese Joe with plenty of obscenities making it on air. For those of those not paying attention 50 said, “Fat Joe is a…” um, as Naughty by Nature put it, “It’s another why to call a cat or kitten, there’s five letters missing here.”

- More reasons why My Chemical Romance suck, they are Diddy favorite band. I recently read in Rolling Stone that the group members are pushing thirty. That’s kind of creepy considering that their fan base is moody 14 year olds. Granted Eminem is on the wrong side of thirty and his fan base are 16 year old brats. And on the subject of MCR, is it wrong that I think the dead chick in their video is hot?

- Can anyone explain why Lil Bow Wow and Paris Hilton are still around? This did lead to the funniest awkward moment and Lil and Billy Joe could figure out if they should shake hands, hug, or give a chest bump.

- Did Michelle from Destiny's Child really just quote Fall Out Boy?

- Green Day wins Video of the Year and gets much love from Hammer on their way to accept the award. That should be award enough.

- As for a wet Kelly Clarkson and you shall receive a wet Kelly Clarkson. I wonder if anyone let the audience know they were going to be drench because I saw a few unhappy faces in the crowd. And some one should have told Kelly that when she performs in the rain, she may not want to go barefoot, but then had they done so, we wouldn’t have seen her slip in a puddle.

And then that was it. The surprise performances were Hammer and My Chemical Romance. That can’t be a good sign for an awards show. Also, no one got shot, unless you count Suge Knight who was shot at a pre show. But he was not critically injured and neither Lohan nor Hilton got caught in the cross-fire. For those who missed the show, it’s MTV, they will repeat it constantly for a month. And in response to getting panned over AOL’s coverage over Live8, for those with Broadband, you can see the whole show, plus extras, on MTV’s Overdrive internet channel.

My final tally:

3 of 21 (.143) thought should have won.
8 of 21 (.381) I predicted correctly.

Desperately Wanting

I tried to avoid Desperate Housewives for a long time. The more the Oprah crowd talked about it around the water cooler, the more I wanted to avoid it. Then I heard one of my heroes was going to be on the show. Yes Shaft himself was going to show up on Wisteria Lane, and since Shaft is one bad... (maybe I should shut my mouth), I had to check it out. What I found was a disturbingly entertaining show. First you have Lois Lane turned single bubbling single mom. The producer of Sports Night turned overwhelmed mom. The creepy chick who used to live at Melrose Place is now a Stepford wife. And of course, what show today isn’t complete without a token hot chick. I wonder if the executives at ABC during pilot season go, “yeah that a interesting show, but do you think you can add a token hot chick?” Now if the other channels would only do this.

So it turns out that dead chick’s husband has hired Shaft to find out who was blackmailing his wife. (Ironically the last lime I saw the dead wife was on Everwood where she played… the dead wife. Typecasting anyone?) This got me a little interested, not quite as interesting as the token hot chick, but anyways. But that is just one of many mysteries on Wisteria Lane. Unlike Lost, some of the mysteries were solved by the finally. Some with better results than others. It was interesting how they intertwined the two biggest questions together with why did the one chick commit suicide and who exactly is the plumber dude.

Then there were the mysteries that went unanswered, first and for most, what was the gay homosexual, also imported from Melrose Place, big secret that he talked about with his dad. The easiest answer of that he had another family was shot as he quit his job where he does a lot of traveling. My only other guess is that he swings both ways or they will drop that plot line all together. My other big problem was the introduction of the black family. Why did they show up only to accomplish nothing to the storyline? Either hold them off until next year or tease us with something that will have us guessing all summer. Watching them just move in was boring.

The biggest glaring problem I had with the show was with Paul Young. At first he concocts a great plan to hide the dead chick that his wife killed under the pool. But once his wife kills herself, he decides to move the body from a place where no one will find her and instead throws the bode and the and the wood box that it is in into a lake. Has he never seen “Will it Float?” on Letterman? Both wood and bodies float.

Looking forward to next season, I think it’s pretty safe to say it will turn out that Dana is the plumber’s kid (or at least the plumber will think so). The black family will have some deep dark secret. Susan will fumble around a lot. The Melrose Place dude will have the same problem his wife did as Mr. Mom. Edie will hit on the black dude. And hopefully if the token hot chick starts showing her pregnancy, they bring in another token hot chick to replace her.

Desperate Housewives 1x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. It also won a STA.

Musings From the Back 9 vol. IV

- Tonight is the greatest event in all of sports: the NBA Draft Lottery. Yeah it's rigged but it's always interesting to see who shows up for their respective teams. Will Kobe show up? LeBron? Will Spike Lee be the Knicks' representative? One thing for sure is that Elgin Baylor will be there for the 91^st time. Check out the Sports Guy's take on the event: Lottery Ticket.

- It was just announced that Wicked Wisdom has joined the roster of this year's Ozzfest. Now that might not be newsworthy until you find out that Wicked Wisdom is actually a Christian metal band... whose lead singer happens to be Jada Pickett Smith. Yes that is Mrs. Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I think Vegas has the line set at three shows before she quits.

- Apparently the latest trend to sweep the nation is Movieoke. And it's pretty much what you think it is, karaoke with movies. Great, sign me up. I can't wait until I go, "You little son of a (expletive deleted) ball! Why you don't you just go home? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your home? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE (expletive deleted) BALL!" or "O.K., let me tell you what Like a Virgin's about. It's all about this (expletive deleted) who's a regular (expletive deleted) machine, I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon, (a lot of expletive deleteds). Then one day she meets this John Holmes (expletive deleted) and it's like, whoa baby, I mean this cat is like Charles Bronson in The Great Escape, he's digging tunnels. Now, she's gettin' the serious (expletive deleted) action and she's feeling something she ain't felt since forever. Pain. Pain. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt her, you know her (expletive deleted) should be Bubble Yum by now, but when this cat (expletive deleted) her it hurts. It hurts just like it did the first time. You see the pain is reminding a (expletive deleted) machine what it once was like to be a virgin. Hence, Like a Virgin." in front of a bunch of drunks. And one can hope the Fox in the future will follow up American Karaoke with American Movieoke. (Free plugs to anyone who can name one or both movie quotes. Leave your guesses in the comment section.)

- Natalie Portman has apparently came down with a case of the Sinéad O'Connor disease. It seems that she cut off her hair for a prison movie that she is doing. I was unaware that they shaved women's hair in prison, but oh well. Maybe if she was playing a cancer survivor, I'd understand the look, but not a prison inmate. This new hairstyle has dropped Portman out of my top 5. So now I will have to make an exhausting search to join Kate Bosworth, Natalie Coughlin, and the token hot chicks from Smallville and Lost. Any TV executive interested in a new reality show idea?


- Keeping with the Star Wars theme, it seems that a lot of people are drawing comparisons between Darth Vader and George W. Bush. God bless stupid people. In this scenario wouldn't that make George W. Luke Skywalker and George H.W. Bush Darth Vader? That would be backwards because George H.W. Bush was a good president and George W. Bush is the evil one. For more on this lunacy check out The Empire Strikes Bush.

- Is it just me or did the dude from Coldplay look like Schroeder from Peanuts on Saturday Night Live when he was at the piano?

- Speaking of SNL, how many more times does Horatio Sanz get to forget a line or go out of character before he gets fired? Does he have something over Loren Michaels? Does Michaels keep him on because if he gave Sanz the boot then he would have to find a token fat guy and a token Hispanic dude?

- Now I didn't watch it, and I hope none of you watched it, but I hope child welfare workers watched Britney and Kevin: Chaotic.

- There is nothing more depressing than knowing the one of the back up lip-syncers in *NSYNC actually dated #1 on Maxim’s Top 100 list I and haven’t. Shouldn’t dating a boy bander, by virtue, drop you a few notches anyways?


- It’s never a good sign when a pitcher on fantasy team gets tennis elbow from spending four hours a day e-mailing his brother. Hey, Carlos Zambrano, it’s called a telephone; I think you can afford the long distance charge. But I guess it’s my fault drafting a pitcher that is coached by Dusty Baker.

- A couple of weeks ago, it was reported that the armed forces came up way short on recruitment goal, and those enrollment may go lower. Patrick Tillman’s family is blasting the US military for giving covered up the investigation into Tillman’s death in Afghanistan. They also accuse the military of created a heroic tale about how Pat died in hopes of garnishing a patriotic response. This brings to mind Jessica Lynch who became a national hero just by being rescued. I remembered the military that rescued Jessica refuse to use a key that an Iraqi offered them because knocking the door down made a better story. It’s sad that it took ABC’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition on Sunday to honor the true hero of that story, Lori Piestewa who gave her life in Iraq. For more on the Pat Tillman story, check out Tillman’s parents lash out at Army.