Showing posts with label Maroon 5. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Maroon 5. Show all posts

Friday, February 10, 2006

We on Award Tour - 2006 Grammy Awards


There is nothing more disturbing than seeing that American Karaoke actually had more viewers. Seriously, people would rather watch amateurs who, if they had any talent at all wouldn’t need a reality show to get a record contract, than see U2 perform? Even the former best karaoker in the land, Kelly Clarkson, performed the first hour. Yeah, America has gone to hell in a hand basket in the past decade, but this has to be one of the saddest indicators yet. But anyways. Here’s my review of the best awards show in recent years, the :

- The show starts up with the much hyped duet between and . Apparently duets these days mean the band plays a song, Madonna shows up at the end, and then quickly goes into her own song sans the cartoons. What a rip off. Plus I really didn’t care to see a 3-D version of the Gorillaz. And weren’t they missing a member? Isn't there an Asian chick in the band? And as much as I railed on the tools that watched American Karaoke, I can understand why anyone would switch the channel after see Madonna in a leotard. Luckily I taped it so I could fast forward.

 Alicia Keys, I'd hit that- , who won my hottest chick of the night award, came out with to give a way too long introduction, but they started to sing Stevie’s song was cool.

- Nicole Kidman was shown in the crowd next to . Interesting post-break up Nicole ends up dating another midget and Tom dates another giant.

- What was with Chris Martin from throwing up the Spock hands during Talk?

- The Grammy’s love to do weird back to back performances and tonights was leading into . Legend did a nice jazzier version of Ordinary People with a full band unlike the record where it’s just him and the piano. I was about to fast forward past Sugarland until I heard someone back stage talking through the speakers. Possibly the funniest part of the night. I wonder how fast that guy got fired.

- Seriously, people would rather watch American Karaoke than ? Someone really needs to explain this to me. Way too much smoke during Vertigo though. It was funny when tried to hold Bono’s hand while he was trying to play guitar. The ending with “Coexist” on the screen was great with the Crescent Moon replacing the “C,” Star of David replacing the “X,” and the cross replacing the “T.”

- Worst dressed of the night had to go to with the white gloves, shirt open to the navel and the glasses.

- Wait, maybe that should go to Ben Rothertdjmtykjytberger with his jacket of Bettis’ Notre Dame jersey and a hat backwards. Why did they even let him the building looking like that?

- Was that the little girl from the video playing piano during ’s performance? It was great after the song and the camera scanned the crowd and she receive a one person standing ovation from the dude from .

- For years, presenters have pulled the “this next performer needs no introduction,” then proceeds to introduce them anyways. Finally Ellen actually says the line and brilliantly walks off stage. And of course needs no introduction. Plus he even dusts off Helter Skelter during his performance.

Kelly Clarkson bigger than Jesus?- Wow, this must have been the most clothes I’ve seen on since the pre-Honey days. But what was with the dude talking from the audience?

- They brought out some dude named who promptly mispronounces “Extraordinary.” Way to waste you only time on primetime TV Michael.

- Kelly Clarkson beats Paul McCartney for best pop album. Using the good old Transitive Property from high school, does this mean Kelly Clarkson is bigger than Jesus?

- More country music up next. Where in the past while watching live, this made for a good bathroom break, but thanks to taping it, I could just fast forward.

Okay, did I really see Sly Stone?- Okay, the next segment was a little hazy, and not sure if this really happened, it was so surreal, but here is the best recollection of what I think I saw. And even though I watched this a couple times to make sure, I can not validate that any of this actually First Dave Chappelle comes out to introduce a tribute possible the only person that makes him look sane these days, . It’s starts off harmless enough with John Legend, and some dude named who were backed by members of the Family Stone (no Rachel McAdams though), Niles Rodgers of and… Randy Jackson? Then came a duet between (how did she win a singing contest) and Devin Lima who I swear was the dude in that didn’t nail Jennifer Love Hewitt (remember Summergirls? Oh never mind). This is the point where I think I was getting a contact high from the TV because Sly’s stash is that potent. Next up was singing with Maroon 5. Um, okay. Then out comes Will.I.Am doing a rap followed the introduction of Steven Tyler and Joe Perry who really don’t do anything. Then out of nowhere Tyler says, “Sly, let’s show them how we do it back in the day.” Then inexplicatively Sly himself, who is making only his second public appearance in my lifetime, come out with a five foot blonde Mohawk. Please read that last second one more time. Sly then plays a couple notes on his keyboard sings “dance to the music” about five times and just leave before the song ends. I doubt there is a better anti-drug campaign better than this segment.

- Next up is yet another Jay-Z/Linkin Park mash-up. This was really cool at first but now it’s just getting tired. Well that was until Paul McCartney came out to sing Yesterday. And if there was anything that came close to Sly’s oddness it would be Jay-Z telling Sir Paul to “Take ‘em up top.” I think I may still have been high. Oh and Jay-Z just happened to be wear a John Lennon shirt. Too bad Jay-Z didn't come out during Helter Skelter and did a couple bars of 99 Problems like from the mashed-up The Grey Album. Yesterday not the best song here.

- Interesting after announcing that Sometimes You Can’t Make it on Your Own won Song of the Year they played We Belong Together instead.

Kanye and Jamie bite Ray Charles one more time- He may have been the worst dressed, but Kanye wins performance of the year with his college battle between KW State and JFU at the Grammy Halftime Show. This should have been the Superbowl halftime show because it was much more entertaining. But I really hope this is the last time we see milks memory. Sadly I doubt that will ever happen. It was nice to see the resurrection of Broke Phi Broke too. And how to cap such a great performance, apparently the Gammy’s though a gratuitous shot of James Taylor would do it. Yeah.

- wins Record of the Year. Yawn. They were so last year.

- How did go from the hottest chick on the planet to the trashiest to now looking like drag queen? This is a crime against humanity.

- Even Kanye couldn’t get too made at U2 winning Album of the Year for the second time, the other being The Joshua Tree. Which begs the question, what did Achtung Baby lose to? (Update: Achtung Baby lost to Eric Clapton's Unplugged in 1993. Also up for the award that year - the Beauty and the Beast Soundtrack. I wish I made that last part up. Annie Lennox's Diva and KD Lang's Ingénue rounded out the catergory.)

- For some reason they saved the obligatory old white dude speech for the end. But at least he didn’t whine about music downloads like Michael Green always did.

- I know people won’t like this comment, but I think everyone stopped reading along time ago especially after the Jesus mention, but I’ll say it anyways, Hurricane Katrina was the best thing to happen to . Without it he’d be currently hanging around obscurity but with everyone’s guilt, they feel obligated to drag him out to every major event since then.

- The show ends with a great tribute, even if messed up the second verse.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

George Bush Hates Midgets


BonoThere were a lot of telethons over the weekend to help the victims of Katrina. First was the major one, Shelter From the Storm, that was on all the broadcast networks and a bunch of cable outlets too much like A Tribute to Heroes that was staged right after 9/11 except this was only an hour long and we weren’t subjected to a Canadian singing God Bless America. Unfortunately I was unable to talk to Mandy Moore when I called in, but at least all of the performances were great and poignant. Performances that stuck out for me included Mary J. Blige joining U2 for One and the heavy Creedence Clearwater Revival presences as the Foo Fighters covered Born on the Bayou and Garth Brooks added his rendition of Who’ll Stop the Rain? Ironically no one performed CCR’s ode to President Bush, Fortunate Son. Speaking of whom, the highlight of the whole evening was when Chris Rock, before going into his prepared speech, quickly threw in, “George Bush hates midgets.” Apparently Rock later went on the BET telethon, S.O.S., and added “George Bush hate albinos.” At least that what heard as I didn’t watch it myself because, much like my president, I don’t care about black people. As for the originator of that quote, I wonder if it was an accident that Kanye West's mike didn’t work to start of Jesus Walks, of which he was backed by a live choir and strings section.

John MellencampThen last night saw the four hour concert, ReAct Now: Music and Relief, put on by the various music channels many of the acts a repeat of the night before, but each performing a different song than the night before. Some interesting new hair styles were sported on the telecast with John Mayer going with an Anikin in Episode III look, Trent Reznor’s new buzz cut that left him looking like Leonard Nimoy, and Melissa Etheridge, last seen completely bald at the Grammys is now starting to grow hers back after beating cancer. Musically the highlights included Reznor alone by a piano sing his song Hurt but sounding more like Johnny Cash’s version than his orginal, Maroon 5 doing the Beatles Don’t Let Me Down, Fiona Apple climbing out of obscurity to perform a new song, Extraordinary Machine, and Mötley Crüe being joined by the non-rapping dude from Linkin Park, a string section, a choir, and the dude from Tommy Lee Goes to College on the drums, to sing Home Sweet Home. Surprisingly good were the unknown artist from New Orleans such as Buckwheat Zydeco, Chris Thomas King, The Radiators, and Marc Broussard who all gave impassioned performances and hopefully MTV and VH1 put these artist in rotation because they deserve it. On the flip side, I was a little disappointed Chris Rock didn’t continue his “Bush hates…” routine.

For those that missed either show, they are being brought to you on demand through broadband channels, sorry dial-upers. For Shelter From the Storm, is being brought to you by AOL while ReAct Now is on both MTV and VH1. MTV and VH1 even are airing a couple of performances that were not aired. If you are a music fan, or even if you’re not, you can buy some of the performances from the ReAct concert at Connect. About half of the performances are up now including two unaired songs by Beck and Rob Thomas. The proceeds from the sales will be split up between the Red Cross, America’s Second Harvest and The Salvation Army. According to the site, there will be more up in the following days which I can assumes is because of legal issues. Way to go Music Industry for crewing up once again by dragging your feet on this. No word on when or if you can get your hands on songs from Shelter From the Storm. Personally, I'd love to have Mary J & U2's duet.

And the donations keep on pouring in from the celebrities. Michael Jackson says he is recording a song considering the one he did for 9/11 did so well. You remember the one that was produce by a porn star right? Also joining the “I have better thing to give than money bandwagon” is Terrell Owens who is putting up his NFC championship ring up for auction will all proceeds from the sale going to charity. Wow, he’s giving up a ring he didn’t even earn. Great PR move TO. Now how about a check you two? If you what to donate your money, click the Red Cross button in my sidebar.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

You Gotta Love it Though, Somebody Still Speaks From His Soul


Late Registration - Kanye West

For the last couple years, rap has become very anemic, the same rappers saying the same thing talking about how much ice they have and how many groupies they have scored with. Yawn. Then along came a guy with a backpack and a teddy bear mascot with the vibe of A Tribe Called Quest (by his own admission) and clever wordplay that rivals the Beastie Boys in their prime. Kanye West’s The College Dropout was not just the best rap album of last year but it was easily the best rap album of the last five year. On the album, West pushed the boundaries of rap touching on topics that most rappers found on the radio and MTV including religion and even admitting he was self conscious.

West is now back with his sophomore effort, Late Registration and is pushing the boundaries of rap even further. This is most notable in the addition of Fiona Apple’s producer Jon Brion helping West out on the boards. Brion presence is definitely felt on tracks Touch the Sky with horn the rival those sampled on Crazy in Love, and string section featured in Bring Me Down, Diamonds from Sierra Leone, and Gone. They even bring in full orchestration on Celebration. With Brion by his side, West even stepped up his own game, avoiding the easy way out by copying his signature sound of sped up vocals (not counting the hidden track, Late), and instead created a whole new sound for this album.

Kanye is pushing the boundaries with his choice of topics on this album too. Instead of an ode to Jesus, Late Registration had a song devoted to another subject much ignore subject in rap, his mother on Hey Mama. West saves his best production for this song with a choir of multi-layered la la’s playing throughout the song and Kanye even gives a shot at sing a verse and a chorus.

Late Registration is also more political than most major rap releases in recent years. But Kanye comes off more like Oliver Stone than Public Enemy with accusations like, “And I know the government administered AIDS” (Heard ‘em Say), “How we stop the black panthers? Ronald Reagan cooked up an answer,” and, “Who gave Saddam anthrax? George Bush got the answers” (Crack Music). Kanye also takes on the state of the health care in our country on Roses, but this time no conspiracy theories are needed and he asks a question that needs to be posed to our political leaders: “If Magic Johnson got a cure for A.I.D.'s and all the broke (expletive deleted) past away, you tellin me if my grandma was in the N.B.A. right now she'd be ok?”

Unfortunately, with all that said, Late Registration does not entirely live up to the promise of The College Dropout. One thing that really disappointed me was when the album was being made, Kanye mention that he wasn’t going to any guest except John Mayer and Common. But West decided to bring in more guests some with better results then others. Out is John Mayer, instead we get the new token white accessory to rappers, Adam Levine of Maroon 5 helping out with a soulful performance on Heard ‘em Say. Also Jamie Foxx shows why he got the Oscar for his portrayal of Ray Charles as I originally though Gold Digger had a sample of Ray’s I Got a Woman, until I realized that it was different lyrics. Other decent appearances include Jay-Z on Diamond from Seirra Leone (Remix) along with Consequence and Cam’Ron on Gone. But on the flip side Brandy can’t carry a tune and lives of to the name of her contribution, Bring Me Down. Lupe Fiasco gives an uninspiring verse on Touch the Sky. The Houston inspired Drive Slow featuring Paul Wall and GLC drags the album down too much. And even though Nas is in my top 5 rappers, his contribution We Major falls flat.

Another major different between Kanye’s two albums is that The College Dropout sounded like a concept album revolving around college with track flowing into each other perfectly. The thoughts on Late Registration sounds more like great songs that are thrown together. For instance, there is a bad transition between Touch the Sky that goes straight into Jamie Foxx’s acapella beginning of Gold Digger. The only thing that barely hold Late Registration together are the four skits throughout the album dealing with a fake fraternity, Broke Phi Broke.

The highlight of this album, much like his last, is Kanye’s quirky wordplay. He doesn’t drop references as obscure as the Beastie Boys, but he’s working on it. But what other rapper would quote John Denver; “I'm going on an airplane, and I don't know if I'll be back again” (Touch the Sky). Tim Hardaway, Gil Scott-Heron, Shirley Bassey, Sam Cooke, Forrest Gump, Nicky Giovanni, The Jeffersons, Gone with the Wind, Anakin Skywalker, and Jennifer Aniston all get namedropped throughout the album. But like his last album, the best line involves Michael Jackson, “She was suppose to buy ya shorty Tyco with ya money. She went to the doctor got lypo with ya money. She walkin around lookin like Michael with ya money” (Gold Digger). But honorable mentions go to “Ask the reverend was the strip club cool if my tips help send a pretty girl through school” (We Major) and “If a stripper named Porscha and u get tips from many men, then your fat friend, her nickname is Minivan” (Diamonds from Sierra Leone).

Song to Download – Hey Mama

Late Registration gets a Terror Alert Level: Severe [RED] on my Terror Alert Scale.


Sunday, July 03, 2005

World Keep on Turning, Cause it Won't Be Too Long


Amazing day yesterday as I spent over ten hours glued to either my TV screen or computer screen watching the concerts. I was a little disappointed in the MTV/VH1/ABC coverage as I was under the impression that MTV and VH1 would be doing two separate broadcasts with maybe one focusing on the Philadelphia concert and the other focusing in on the London concert. Instead we got one solo show just showed on two separate channels. What a waste of airtime. And being that it was MTV, what we got was small snippets of some the performances instead of full one or even full songs in most case. They rarely went outside of London of Philadelphia stopping into Paris once (Shakira), Berlin three times (twice for Green Day, once for Audioslave), Japan once (Good Charlotte), Canada twice (Jet, Simple Plan), Africa twice and they never went to Rome once. And there is a good list of great performers that didn’t even make it to TV:

Sarah McLachlan (with some dude named Josh Groban on Angel)
Brian Wilson
Snow Patrol
Ms. Dynamite
The Cure
Sheryl Crow
Crosby, Stills and Nash
Duran Duran
Barenaked Ladies
Byran Adams
Pet Shop Boys
P. Diddy
Lauryn Hill
Neil Young
Rob Thomas (Well that wasn’t much of a loss actually)

And the song selection was poor sometimes too. We had to sit threw Will Smith’s Switch when they could have let us see the classic Summertime or the cheesily entertaining Theme to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. So I found myself watching more and more from my computer thanks to
AOLMusic.com. Here are some of my highlights.

Goosebumps moments:
- Paul McCartney with U2 in doing
Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band live for the first time ever with some faux Beatles in Pepper outfits playing french horns
-
U2’s set including their version of Unchained Melody
- Coldplay bringing out Richard Ashcroft to sing Bittersweet Symphony
- Black Eyed Peas with Stephan and Rita Marley to sing Get up Stand Up
-
Kanye West backed by a Sting section
- Dido joined by Youssou N'Dour during Thank You
- The opening to Dave Matthews Band's
Dreamgirl
- Robbie Williams singing Angels they way it supposed to - without Jessica Simpson
- Green Day covering Queen’s
We Are the Champions
- Stevie Wonder and Adam Levane of Maroon 5 doing a duet on
Signed, Sealed, Delivered I’m Yours
-
Pink Floyd whole set, extra Goosebumps at the beginning of each song
- Maroon 5 covering Neil Young’s Rockin in the Free World
-
Alicia Keys’ tribute to Luther Vandross
- Jay-Z backed by Linkin Park who did a faithful
Public Service Announcement

Tear Jerkers:
- Bob Geldolf bring out an African Girl who, at the time of Live Aid, was only given ten seconds to live
-
Annie Lennox playing Why over a montage of AIDS victims
- The finale in London with everyone singing Hey Jude with Paul McCartney

Other interesting tidbits:
-
Snoop Dogg was able to get 5 F-bombs pass the MTV censors (and the N-word once). Granted he mumbles some and they weren’t part of the song. The bigger slip was they Pink Floyd let the blatant word in Pink Floyd’s Money or maybe they let it slip because it Floyd.
-
Beyoncé wore a skirt that was as short as it could have been without showing off her Kootchiepop.
- I was a little disappointed that no one pulled a
Phil Collins this year.
- The only American acts in Rome -
Tim McGraw & Faith Hill?
-
UB40 were introduced saying they were going to perform a medley of their hits. Shouldn’t it been a medley of other people’s hits?
- Who invited Randy Jackson? I had to laugh when I spotted him playing a tiny keyboard when
Mariah Carey already had two keyboarders on stage with two large keyboards themselves.
- What was up with Stevie Wonder’s moustache/beard thing around his mouth? Who let him out of the house like that?
- There were a lot of lyric changes to reflect the festivities including U2, Sting but my favorite was Kanye West switch the line in Jesus Walks into, “And George Bush gets paid off of all of that.”
- When I saw you could download
Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club from the concert on iTunes, I thought the whole concert would be available, but alas the only other song available (for now hopefully) was The Long and Winding Road. Click on the links to get them for yourselves.

If you missed the concert,
AOLMusic.com is still streaming Paris, Canada, and Philadelphia. London was stopped sometime during the 1st rebroadcast and Berlin was taken offline sometime last night. Hopefully there is a comprehensive DVD coming because, even after all I watch, there is still a lot I missed.



Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Car Mix - March '05

Every once in a while I like to make a CD to play in my car of recent music I'm listening to. Here my most recent CD.

1) Bold as Love - John Mayer (Taken from the Tsunami Aid: Concert of Hope which can be bought on connect.com)
2)
Across the Universe - Various Artists (Taken from this year's Grammy awards. Proceeds, like the previous song, goes to Tsunami relief organizations. So don't say I didn't do my part, that's $1.98 right there.)
3)
Sunday Morning (Acoustic) - Maroon 5
4)
Trouble - Bonnie McKee
5)
Breathe (2AM) - Anna Nalick (Along with Trouble, these were both former Single of the Week on iTunes. Most of them are really good so you should always check them out because you may find gems like these.)
6)
Telescope Eyes - Eisley
7)
Collide - Howie Day
8)
Daughters (Home Demo) - John Mayer
9)
Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own - U2
10) Existentialism on Prom Night - Straylight Run (I found this song free at mtv.com. Yet another steal.)
11)
Chocolate - Snow Patrol (I was turned onto this band when their song Run was a Single of the Week. Solid album)
12)
Work - Jimmy Eat World
13)
Let Me Go - 3 Doors Down
14) Boulevard of Broken Songs - Green Day vs. Oasis (One of the best mash-up that I have heard in a while. It's built around the Green Day song and has hints of Oasis' Wonderwall and throws in some Travis and Aerosmith to round out the song. Highly recommended if you can hunt it down.)
15) Why [Remix] - Jadakiss, Common, Styles P and Nas
16) Jesus Walks - Kanye West, Common & Mase
17) Twisted (Remix) - Mobb Deep, Jae Millz, Joe Budden
18) Drop it Like it's Hot (Lil John Remix) - Snoop Dogg

Monday, February 14, 2005

Genius Loves Company (and Trophies)


Grammy Awards were this past weekend. I went 14 for 25 in my predictions. Ouch, that's about as good as Bush's approval rating. Well maybe not that bad. Here are some of my random thoughts on the festivities:

8:00 - Surprise, surprise, the Black Eyed Peas start things off with "Let's Retarded Get It Started." Where have I heard that song before? Mmm.

8:02 - Gwen Stefani and Eve take the stage. Guided Track Alert! Everyone rips on Ashlee Simpson for her guided track on SNL but you never hear about the others who do the same thing. Granted everyone else don't have drummers who are not smart enough to press the right button. But there is a good thing that has come out of the "Fiddler on the Roof" ripoff, the hot dancer in the iTunes commercial. Can we get that girl a starring role in something?

8:05 - Nice to see the Los Lonely Boys are out of jail. But was anyone surprised that one of them got caught with weed. It really wasn’t a question of if but when.

8:08 - It's interesting that some cable channels censer when Maroon 5 says, "coming" while network TV doesn't. If you hear the song and think of something dirty you, and the people who think SpongBob Squarepants, are the ones with the dirty mind. But with that said, I did call the FCC just to see if the would do anything. I wonder if I get a finders fee. If they are going to start fining stations $500,000 then the whistle blowers should get a cut.

8:09 - Black Eyed Peas "Get Retarded It Started" again. Yeah.

8:10 - The best band ever named after some one who started a World War, Franz Ferdinand take the stage. Cue "I Love the 80's" theme music.

8:11 - Cool ending with the mixing of all the songs that were previously play although Miss Guided Vocals was not surprisingly missing from the others who were playing live. Mash-up artist - your move. This performance begs the question, "Why don't they offer these once in a lifetime song on a CD or for download?" Who doesn’t want to hear that opening again? Well, minus the Stefani part.

8:12 - Ellen gets a first row seat. Who does the seating arraignments?

8:14 - Queen Latifah makes an appearance. Worst. Host. Ever. Unless you count the Wayans Brothers.

8:19 - If there is one rule that always holds up throughout Grammy history is if you just performed, you will win the next award if you were nominated. But the Grammy’s put a wrench into this rule when three bands in the opening medley were up for the first award. One of them won anyways but so I don't know if this counts or not.

8:24 - Survivor starts this week. Most. Surprising twist. Ever. Or so I'm told. It always seems the Survivor "twist" tend not to be too exciting.

8:25 - The first of 572 Lifetime Achievement Awards is passed out. If they pass that many out a year, Limp Bizkit could win one by 2054.

8:26 - Alicia Keys performs with an orchestra securing her in the Best Grammy Performance Hall of Fame. Then Jamie Fox comes out and he and Keys do their best Elton John/Billy Joel impersonations. Did anyone else notice the weird thing on the back of Foxx's head? Was it a tattoo? Did he shave something in the back? I need the answer to this or it will keep me up at night.

8:30 - Barely a half an hour in and we've already had a third Ellen in the crowd shot. Seriously, is there a reason for this, are the producers purposely trying to mess with my head?

8:33 - It looks like Nelly has raided André 3000's closet.

8:35 - In a ceremony held earlier today, Grammy’s went out to... Bill Clinton? Sadly he isn't even the first Clinton to win a Grammy, Hilary beat him to it. I really need to start recording audiobooks so I can get my own Grammy.

8:41 - Bono can make anything sound cool. He's become the white James Earl James.

8:46 - First token "crazy coupling" of the evening with Mark McGrath (does he still have a band?), Penelope Cruz (quick, name one of her movies not entitled "Blow") and Pharrell (what would a Pharrell sighting be without the obligatory Startrac plug?).

8:57 - It's time for the heavily plugged Jennifer Lopez/Marc Anthony duet. That could only mean I thing - bathroom break. Too bad I didn't have to go longer because I caught the tail end and I'm beginning to understand the whole guided vocal track idea because Lopez cannot carry a tune.

9:02 - Now it's the Southern Rock tribute with today country stars. Um, I just used my bathroom break. Well, let's see what going on at "Desperate Housewives." Ooo, Frumpy Spice's husband forgot Valentine's Day.

9:17 - Now Queen Latifah is going to sing. They must have put all the horrible music at 9:00 knowing people were going to switch to "Desperate Housewives." Speaking of which, let's see what's going on. Sweet, token hot chick is in lingerie. Than you Queen for sucking so much.

9:21 - Looks like Hoobastack is picking up the Worst. Band name. Ever. Award. Wait; no they are presenting Best New Artist with Tyra Banks whom seems to be a good foot taller than all the band members. Kanye West seemed a little too upset for losing the Most. Cursed award. Ever. I'm sure if he really wants a Best New Artist Grammy, he could buy Milli Vanilli's on E-Bay.

9:30 - Out to introduce Green Day is Quentin "I've spent too much time hanging out with the Wu-Tang Clan" Tarantino in his new ghetto apparel.

9:34 - Holy Ricky Martin sighting! I haven't seen him in a while. Remember it was not too long ago when he owned the Grammy’s.

9:40 - Kanye West performs with a Staple Sister, John Legend, the Blind Boys of Alabama and his mom. I must stress again they really need to put these performances on iTunes or something.

9:51 - On cue, Kanye wins the Grammy after performing. Extra points for the Al Bundy reference.

10:00 - Janis Joplin tribute featuring Joss Stone and... a bald Melissa Etheridge. Wow, wasn't expecting that.

10:12 - Tim McGraw takes the stage. Mmm, "Desperate Housewives" is over. Let's see what's happening on "Celebrity Fit Club." Judge Mablean lost six pounds this week. Get back to the Grammy’s just in time to see McGraw's one person standing obviation. I guess it wasn't quite Kanye West's performance where everyone in the house stood up. Oh, and the one person standing, his wife.

10:27 - John Mayer continues his "I want to be Jimi Hendrix" phase with a power trio version of "Daughters."

10:36 - In a ceremony held earlier today, U2 picked up Best Rock Song, a songwriters award, for “Vertigo." A great song, but a songwriting award shouldn't go to a song that starts out with "one, two, three, fourteen" in Spanish.

10:38 - In the first blatant CBS plug on the show, Anthony LaPaglia introduces a bunch of Gammy nominees singing the Beatles "Across the Universe" led by Bono. Finally a song I can download on iTunes. Now where is Kanye West, U2 or Alicia Keys' performances?

10:46 - Now when Stevie Wonder took off his glasses to "read" the winner was funny when he did it years ago, but now it's time for new material. I feel now people are just giving him a courtesy laugh.

10:54 - Usher continues his "I want to be Michael Jackson" phase. (Insert "keep young boys away from Usher" jokes here.)

10:59 - Nothing better when the orchestra tries to cut some one's acceptance speech and they keep talking. How can you cut off some one speaking for a dead guy anyways?

11:10 - Cheesy Old Guy Alert! Why is the Grammy’s always headed by a guy whose only band they've been in was the marching band in high school. Of course Cheesy Old Guy brings up illegal downloading. When will these people realize that the music business is slumping because the music they put out sucks not because of downloading?

11:14 - Nice to see the Grammy’s remembered Ol' Dirty Bastard (aka Big Baby Jesus, aka Osirus, aka Dirt McGirt, aka Joe Bannanas, aka Dirt Dog, aka Unique Ason) during those have passed tribute considering he was the reason for the most entertaining moment in Grammy’s history when he bum rushed Shawn Colvin's acceptance speech shouting "Wu-Tang's for the children."

11:24 - To present Album of the Year are Grammy Award winner Bonnie Raitt and... Gary Sinise. Um, yeah, that makes sense. To nobody's surprise, Ray Charles wins proving there is no better way to sell records than to die.

11:28 - And we are done so it's time to pass out my awards:

Best Performance - Kanye West et al.

Best Acceptance Speech - Kanye West

Best Dressed (Female) - Alicia Keys

Best Dressed (Male) - Anthony Hamilton

Worst Dressed - Sheryl Crow