Showing posts with label Pharrell. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pharrell. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

What Rhymes with Hug Me?



Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke

Had you told me back in January that the song of the summer would end up coming from Robin Thicke, I would have thought you were crazy (granted had you told me in January 2012 that the song of that summer would come courtesy of a Canadian Idol castoff, I would have thought you were much crazier). Nothing against Robin Thicke, but up to this point he had been making middle of the road blue eye soul that was much more suited for the bedroom than the block party. Yet here we are in the middle of summer and it looks like Blurred Lines will end up edging out the superior Get Lucky as the unofficial song of the summer.

Sure Thicke has an unfair advantage considering that the song was already an established summer jam when Marvin Gaye released the song under the title Got to Give It Up, Pt. 1 all the way back in the summer of 1977 (well that and hot naked chicks). Much like the song, the album Blurred Lines is Robin’s first full foray into dance music. There really is only one slow jam, and the Rest of My Life does not even show up until late in the album at track number nine.

Thicke’s transition into dance music is not as smooth as the song Blurred Lines the song would suggest. The lyrics can get very cringworthy like the obvious date-rapey vibe of the title track (though I find the lyrics to sound like that of a middle school boy hoping to get lucky by being persistent). Even worse is when he actually admits, “I want to shop for your underwear” during Take it Easy on Me. The beats are not much better. Unfortunately Pharrell only produced the title track while Thicke himself co-produced over half of the other tracks. Dr. Luke produced the worst track on the album Give it 2 U which sounded like a LMFAO castoff that Thick tried to imagine.

The album is so derivative, there are times where I actually thought I was listening to a new Justin Timberlake song (most notably Ooo La La), and that is not meant to be a compliment. The best track on the album is one of the few non-dance songs and is not even a baby-making song. The Good Life is a mid-tempo driving with the windows on a summer evening kind of song. Almost modern do-wop but not too much where it sounds like he is stealing Bruno Mars soun. The album would have been much better if there were more songs like this and fewer songs that were completely derivative of significantly better songs.

Song to Download – The Good Life

Blurred Lines gets a Terror Alert Level: Guarded [BLUE] on my Terror Alert Scale.


Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Got Me Feeling Like Brody in Homeland



Magna Carta... Holy Grail - Jay-Z

After their Watch the Throne album, both Kanye West and Jay-Z took unconventional routes to roll out their next solo albums. In lieu of a proper music video, West projected trailers on the side of building across the country guerilla style. Jay-Z on the other hand went the corporate route announcing his album in a four minute commercial during the NBC Finals, and just days before the release of Yeezus, of another religious inspired titled Magna Carta... Holy Grai, sponsored by a Smartphone who would give away a million downloads via an app. And instead of a single or music video, Jay-Z just released the lyrics sheet for multiple tracks which saw Jay bite not one, but two much beloved 1991 alt-rock tracks Smells Like Teen Spirit and Losing My Religion.

The anticipation was immediate because of that ad which featured Jay hanging out with producers Rick Rubin, Pharrell, Timbaland, and Swizz Beats who helmed some of Jay’s best tracks. In a later interview, Rubin admitted he had no involvement in the new album, Jay just brought him in for the documentary. As it turns out pretty much the whole album was produced by Timbaland with his hands on seventy percent of the album while Pharrell and contributed on two songs and Swizz only popped up once. So all that anticipation went out the door before the album dropped unless you had the app and would be getting an A-List album for free or if you wanted to hear just how Jay ruined the Nirvana and R.E.M. songs.

You will not have to wait to hear just how Jay-Z desecrated Smells Like Teen Spirit because it shows up on the title track that opens up the album. And just when you think it could not get worse, the “I am stupid and contagious” chorus is also sung by Justin Timberlake. Even had I had the free app, I would have deleted this track on principal alone. Heaven featuring lyrics from Losing My Religion is not much better. The track also sounds like it loops two notes from Stairway to Heaven (though not officially sampled) and it is hard not to cringe when Jay starts singing, “That’s me in the corner” off-key. It was cute when he did that to “And I wish I never met her at all” but not on a song like this.

It is apropos that Jay-Z gave away a million copies of the album because Magna Carta… Holy Grail just sounds like a mixtape which is not worth actually paying for. Half the songs sound they were created by Jay asking for song ideas in the studio, and people started shouting out random ideas: like “hey Hov, try Tom Ford… Picasso… Oceans (hey why don’t we get Frank Ocean on that track too?).” And some of the lyrics are just as puzzling like when Jay says he is “feeling like Brody in Homeland.” Huh? Is he being a traitor? Does he have crazy sex with law enforcement agents? Is he a Manchurian Candidate for a smartphone company? Does this mean Jay-Z cannot pleasure himself while in the presence of his naked wife? Did his daughter already drive over some homeless man? And why is he giving such a long shout out to Miley Cyrus? He spent more time on her than she did in Party in the U.S.A. (and then revealed she does not have a favorite song by him and does not even listen to Jay-Z). Then there is the Mommie Dearest sample in Jay-Z Blue: Blades of Glory it is not. Magna Carta… Holy Grail is just weird. But not even interesting, pushing boundaries weird, but what were you thinking weird. So congratulations to everyone who snagged the free app, because this mixtape is not worth actually putting money down for. Now if you excuse me I have a sudden urge to go buy a smartphone. Maybe an Blackberry.

Song to Download – BBC

Magna Carta… Holy Grail gets a Terror Alert Level: Guarded [BLUE] on my Terror Alert Scale.

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Scooter McGavin's 2013 Summer Jam Playlist



Last week Grantland posted their 2013 Summer Playlist and I really did not think much of as it ranged from pretentious crap to not even semi-ironic crap. My view of a summer jam playlist is something you throw on at your backyard barbecue with songs everyone will enjoy, sing, and groove along to. Realistically, I would just summer jams of the past like Summertime by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, The Sundays, and Sam Cooke and basically the entire The Beach Boys library with a couple new songs sprinkled in. Here are a few new songs that made it in this year that would add an extra hour to your playlist which you can listen to on Spotify.

Get Lucky [Daft Punk Remix] – Daft Punk featuring Pharrell: The most egregious omission from the Grantland playlist, maybe because it is just too obvious. Not only is it wise to have this in your summer playlist, but go ahead and also add the radio edit and the ten minute remix too. And if you want to mess with your guests, play the Daughter version and wait and see how long it takes people to realize what they are listening too.

Blurred lines – Robin Thicke, Pharrell, and T.I.: It is the summer of Pharrell, just give in. Well, you can skip the 2 Chainz song but as the great philosopher Meat Loaf once said, two out of three ain’t bad.

Royals – Lorde: The only song that also appears on the Grantland, and since I have already sprayed the some hyperbolic superlatives, I may suggest you just go ahead and add her whole EP if you are going with an all 2013 playlist.

Falling – Haim: Ever wonder what Stevie Nicks would sound like if she instead of joined Fleetwood Mac, recruited two sisters and tried to be a nineties RnB girl group? Haim may just be that. It should not work, but it does. Hopefully the group has a full album out by the end of the year. No matter who is at your party, fans of RnB, Rock, Pop; they should all enjoy this song.

Little Numbers – Boy: You will be hard pressed to find a catchier song this summer. Even if they have not heard it before, they will be tapping along in no time.

The War Within – Churchill: I could have gone with this song or Change, but this is newer, more upbeat and a much more fun song.

Diane Young – Vampire Weekend: Any good summer song has a great hook and you cannot help yourself from singing along to the Baby chorus which takes you back to the summer jams of the fifties and sixties.

San Francisco – The Mowgli’s: Sure the songs veer too far in the direction of hippies; “I’m been in love with love” which I guess should be expected from a song called San Francisco but the choir sing-along is infectious.

I'm Alive (Life Sounds Like) - Michael Franti and Spearhead: I all for any song with a whistle solo as a summer song.

Pompeii – Bastille: This may be the weirdest chanting in a song that works since Hooked On a Feeling.

Bleeding Out – The Lone Bellow: For those not yet tired of the passion folk the Mumford & Sons ushered in, you definitely will want to check out this Brooklyn band.

Wagon Wheel – Darius Rucker: Darius Rucker and been making catchy songs that will never make it on pretentious music critics lists for two decades now but sing-along’s are key for summer playlist and everyone will be singing along whenever the chorus hits.

Follow Your Arrow – Kasey Musgraves: I have to roll my eyes when liberal communists try to talk themselves into that horrible Same Love song from Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. A good message does not make a good song. I would much rather listen to the anti-gay Check Yo Self (and before you call me anti-gay, I would totally push my way through a group of women to make out with Shamar Moore). For those that want a pro-gay anthem that is actually good, you should check this song. It also gets bonus points for bea pro-gay country song which should trick the conservative wackjobs at your party into liking it and also gives time to the much more important cultural issue: the ability to roll a joint if you want to

Cruise – Florida Georgia Line: Yes this song is horrible, especially the Nelly version, aand it will probably be very high on my Worst Songs of 2013 list, but the thing is, if you put this song on at your party, everyone will spend the first verse talking about how horrible the song is, but will be signing along, possibly loudly depending on how much alcohol you provided to them, by the time the chorus hits. And if you want a more palatable version of this song, you should check out the Dia Frampton, Kina Grannis more mellow, backporch version.

Come & Get It – Selena Gomez: Yeah, we have hit the guilty pleasure portion of the summer playlist, might as well just stop here.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I Want My Music Television vol. XLII




Lucky - Jason Mraz with Colbie Caillat



A couple weeks ago one of the major record labels pulled all their videos off YouTube, but I still go there first when looking for new ones intuitively. When I searched for the new Jason Mraz video I found one with a new notice: “This video contains an audio track that has not been authorized by all copyright holders. The audio has been disabled.” So you basically are watching the music with the mute button on because YouTube won’t pull the video but has to strip the audio to avoid copy write infringement. I love getting caught in the middle of uber rich entities fighting with other uber rich entities over pennies.


ManWomanBoogie - Q-Tip featuring Amanda Diva



Yet another reason why Q-Tip landed in at number two of the Best Albums of 2008 list. I can’t imagine anyone who couldn’t get behind this bass line. If you haven’t checked out The Renaissance yet, do yourself a favor and pick it up.


Sooner or Later - N.E.R.D.



Sounds very much like Maybe which may be my favorite N.E.R.D. song. Get it? I guess that is why I never went into stand up. And what is up with the gratuitous Zune product placement.


February Air - Lights



And the very first headscratchingly absurd video of 2009 goes to Canadian artist Lights. Still I watched it about ten times when I first came across it.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

2008 Spring Music Preview


The first quarter for music is pretty boring but the past winter saw surprise releases from Radiohead, Nine Inch Nails, Gnarls Barkley and The Raconteurs that came out without the usual months long hoopla, instead coming out within days of their announcement. Hopefully that trend continues because there isn’t much on the docket for the spring that really piques my interest that much. Wait, apparently the trend has as you can expect an album from Foxboro Hot Tubs (i.e. Green Day’s garage band side project) “any day” now. Here is a list of the albums that at least caught my eye.

If you are interested in preordering the albums from Amazon, the link on the album name will take you their, the links on artists names will take you to their iTunes page. If I left one of your favorite artists off the list with an upcoming album feel free to drop me an e-mail or feel free to wax poetic in the comment section on which albums you are looking forward to. (Note: release dates subject to change):

May 6
Home Before Dark - Neil Diamond: Yet another round of songs from the Diamond created with the help of Rick Rubin. You can preorder Home Before Dark on iTunes and get a bonus preorder-only track.

Gavin DeGraw - Gavin DeGraw: His first album was listenable in an easy listing kind of way. But that was five years ago. DeGraw says the new batch is more rock as evident from the first single, In Love with a Girl. But how rocking can something be when working with Daughty’s producer? You can pre-order Gavin DeGraw on iTunes.

Snack Time - Barenaked Ladies: It has been a while since they have created a great song, but rarely do they put out anything bad.


May 13
Narrow Stairs - Death Cab for Cutie: If the eight minute opus of I Will Possess Your Heart is any indication, the new album will be a big departure from the breakthrough of their last album. You can preorder Narrow Stairs on iTunes and receive a bonus track.

Blame it on Gravity - Old 97’s: Maybe the best band no one outside of Texas has heard of is back for some more southern rock.

Rockferry - Duffy: The latest Bristish import who is like Amy Winehouse without the modern feel, potential drug overdose, or jail time. The more I listen to Mercy, the more I am looking forward to the whole album. You can pre-order Rockferry on iTunes.


May 20
3 Doors Down - 3 Doors Down: Third time wasn’t the charm for the band as Seventeen Days was a huge disappointment. Hopefully they can rebound. You can pre-order 3 Doors Down on iTunes and get a bonus pre-order only track.

Anywhere I Lay My Head - Scarlett Johansson; Julianne Hough - Julianne Hough: Julianne Hough is what I like to refer to as moderately attractive, but I couldn’t make it more than a minute into her video before I had to turn it off. Johansson’s stab at Tom Wait songs do not fair much better. Hopefully the two stick to their day jobs.


May 27
Lay it Down - Al Green: Hopefully ?uestlove of The Roots can do for Green what Rick Rubin was able to do for Johnny Cash. John Legend, Corinne Bailey Rae and Anthony Hamilton also guest on the album.

Same Old Man - John Hiatt: Simply one of the best songwriters of the past couple decades.


June 3
Perfectly Clear - Jewel: Her last album bombed now Jewel is trading in her van for a cowboy hat for a country album.

The Glass Passenger - Jack’s Mannequin: Shortly before the first album was released, Andrew McMahon was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Natually they were not able to promote the album since he was recieveing cancer treatments so the gem was widly unnoticed. Now that his treatments are over, hopefully the new disk will reach a larger audience.

Rock My World - Bret Michaels: No, seriously, that is the name of his album.


June 10
Seeing Things - Jakob Dylan: The Wallflowers are basically a one album wonder, a decade after that hit; Bob’s son has hooked up with Rick Rubin for a solo album.

Seeing Sounds - N.E.R.D.: When not producing for other people Pharrell William is pretty hit or miss with his solo outings and trio N.E.R.D. You can download the first single Everybody Nose for free over at Spinner.com.

Self Portrait - LaLah Hathaway: All I know is that her dad is named Donnie whom you may know best as the dude that was referenced by Amy Winehouse, “There’s nothing you can teach me that I can’t learn from Mr. Hathaway.”


June 17
Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends - Coldplay: There has been nothing more disappointing this decade that X&Y to the point where the album almost sounded like a Coldplay cover band. The band has said to have broadened their musical palette this time around with lead singer Chris Martin, taking a break from singing hooks for rappers, discovering lower register for his vocals this time around. This week only, you can download their first single, Violet Hill on their website, Coldplay.com.


June 24
Weezer - Weezer: Just start calling it The Red Album now to avoid confusion with their two other self titled albums. You can pre-order Weezer on iTunes and receive a pre-order only track and a unique password to purchase Weezer concert ticket on Ticketmaster.com before the general public.


July/August
(Expletive Deleted) - Nas
Life, Death, Love and Freedom - John Mellencamp
Everything Comes and Goes - Michelle Branch
TBA - Ben Folds
TBA - B.B. King
TBA - Ray LaMontagne

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

This Sounds Like Disco Tetris


The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani

Many of those who enjoy making overly ironic jokes routinely mentioned at the release of the new single, Wind it Up, that she was totally ripping of Fergie’s faux rap style. Of course it was actually Stefani that started the trend that has also been utilized since by Nelly Furtado and Cassie with her Middle School anthems off her debut album. Granted long before Stefani and Fergie, was the first to revolutionize the singing cadence in her cheerleader inspired Mickey. There is a good chance that Basil may have inspired Stefani because it is apparent on Love Angel Music Baby as well as her latest release, , that she loves the 80’s almost as much as VH1.

After going even further back in time with the sampling Wind it Up to open the album, the 80’s influences come fast and often. Early Winter sounds like through the filter circa Simple Kind of Life. The song, produced by the keyboardist from , is easily the standout track, but mostly because there is little competition. The next closest track is 4 in the Morning, produced by No Doubt’s Tony Kanel, which has a mid-eighties R&B feel to it as Stefani sounds like a one woman version of .

Elsewhere on the album the eighties elements fall flat. On Fluorescent the song is about one note away from blatantly ripping of the classic from the decad Human by . The Neptunes continue there downfall with a few weak tracks on the album including Yummy which Stefani herself says, “This sounds like disco Tetris.” I can’t imagine anyone else would think that is a good idea. They also produced the ill-advised Breakin’ Up. No it is not about dumping a boyfriend, it is instead about a dropped phone call. And it even turns out lamer than it sounds. Trying to recreate Hollaback Girl, we get Don’t Get it Twisted chalk full of profanities and a chorus that lift the melody from the Ringling Brothers. The big different is that this song is much less chant worthy than its predecessor. Hopefully some time after this album Stefani realizes she is inching closer to forty and needs to get back together with her band and stop making trite music for thirteen year old girls. Oh yeah, and please don’t ever yodel again, leave that to .

Song to Download - Early Winter

The Sweet Escape gets a Terror Alert Level: Guarded [BLUE] on my Terror Alert Scale.




Gwen Stefani on iTunes

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Been a Dogg, Smoke You Like a Menthol


Tha Blue Carpet Treatment - Snoop Dogg

Over the past decade or so has become more than a brand than a rapper staring in movies, commercials, his own variety show, even lent his name to a porno, wrote a book, started up his own clothing line including a pet accessory line, hosting his own satellite radio show, starred in video games, and founded the Snoop Youth Football League. But the biggest impact was giving new slang for suburbanite white dudes everywhere to annoy their parents. But among all the extracurricular sometimes his music gets overlooks; most casual music fans probably can’t named any of his songs between Jin & Juice and Drop it Like it’s Hot. Even Snoop’s son fully respects his dad’s rapping because when the elder ask him who his favorite lyrist, the Bigg Snoop Dogg wasn’t on the list.

The disrespect from Lil’ Snoop is the catalyst for Snoop Dogg’s latest album . The title naturally comes from his affiliation to his former gang the Crips who get their own song on the Neptunes produced 10 Lil’ Crips. To give his advisories equal airtime, Snoop brings in , a Blood to spit a couple verses on Gangbangin’ 101. Longtime producer shows up behind the boards on four songs and Dre’s old running mate drops a couple verses on LAX. And no Snoop album would be complete without a hook from who lends his trademark baritone for Crazy while also show up on the album. New collaborators the Neptunes actually deliver a banging track Vato, one of the few this year, and is only heightened by having B-Real of on the hook.

Snoop Eastwood embraces the new school too as he brings in , who seems to show up on all rap songs lately despite having a voice that sounds like nails on a chalk board, for two songs but he’s not as bad as the sorry appearance. brings some dancehall to the Timbaland produced Get a Light, another stand out track. Snoop also brings in a catchphrase maker in his own right for Candy but the two can do much better than the over obvious double entendres that show up in the song. And regardless of his falling out with , tha Doggfather still collaborates with , finally out of the closet, for That’s That (Expletive Deleted) which humorously samples the best line from .

Tha Blue Carpet Treatment though is way too long at seventy-eight minutes. Plenty of mediocre tracks could have been cut to make a much more complete hour length album. Then they stuck some of the best track at the end including the introspective Imagine which sees Dre step out from behind the boards and takes the mike and D’Angelo on the hook. For the closer, Snoop brings in the legendary to rework Have a Talk with God into Conversations. So many rappers sneek in a religious song at the end of their albums, imagine is one would fill up a album with songs like this instead of re-treading the “G” that has overtaken the genre for over fifteen years.

Song to Download - Conversations

Tha Blue Carpet Treatment gets a Terror Alert Level: Elevated [YELLOW] on my Terror Alert Scale.


Thursday, July 27, 2006

I Know This Part Ain’t Pretty but You Know I’ll be Busy


In My Mind - Pharrell

In the past decade, no one has had more influence on what the radio plays than the Neptunes production team. After a couple years of making hits for other artists, Pharrell Williams and Chad Hugo decides to make hits for themselves and released an album under the moniker (for those keeping track at home stands for Nobody Ever Really Dies), but their two albums were heavily ignored. Now is out on his own for his first solo album, but unlike the N.E.R.D. projects that primarily used live musicians, relies heavily on the beats that made him famous in the first place.

Even though this is a solo album, Pharrell does call in some favors from artists he made hits for like (Excuse Me Miss), (Drop it Like it’s Hot), (Hollaback Girl), and (Hot in Herre). He also brings around some artists from his record label including , Pusha T, and Lauren. And let’s be honest, there is a reason why Pharrell is know for his production, so he needs all the help he can get with his vocals.

What Pharrell is know for is making beats, but compared to his rĂ©sumĂ©, the ones on In My Mind are pretty weak and unmemorable. The best on the album is the drumline sounding How Does it Feel? but it still wouldn’t rank in the top twenty-five of his career. Another problem is that one of Pharrell’s endearing quality was his nerd (he did name his label Star Trak, get it?), skateboarding raps were much different that everything else going, but on this album he spends a lot of time raping about his bling, but just ends up sounding like every other rapper on the radio, but Pharrell’s flow just isn’t as good, well except for Nelly, even can rap better than Nelly.

About half way through the album, Pharrell does give a try at being an R&B singer, but is about as successful as he is a rapper. Those song tend to be bogged down by cheesy early nineties lyrics like on Take it Off (Dim the Lights) where he tells us he’s a master at your bra. Um yeah, okay. He also occasionally tries to go with the falsetto, but unlike the Purple One, can’t hit one note. Word has it that Pharrell delayed the release of this album multiple times because he wasn’t satisfied with the outcome but put it out now to meet fan demand. But after listening to it, he should have kept on working. The only thing worth listening to is ’s verse on Number One.

Song to Download - Number One

In My Mind gets a Terror Alert Level: Guarded [BLUE] on my Terror Alert Scale.


Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Will You Let Me Romanticize


Catching Tales - Jamie Cullum

Last year, Jamie Cullum released a jazzy album, , which was very reminiscent of a male version of but with a little more of an edge. Well that and less album sales and Grammys. And to take the comparison a little further, Jones went on to collaborate with while Cullum’s latest album, was produced by of the Neptunes. Coincidently, Cullum, covered Pharrell’s Frontin' on his last album.

Pharrell’s influence isn’t evident in the beats as Catching Tales is still piano heavy just like Cullum’s previous outing, but the pianist does seem have more of a swagger this time around especially on the album opener, Get Your Way, a breezy song highlighted by a horn section straight out of the bag band era. The closest the album comes to a hip-hop beat is an acoustic riff on the last song, My Yard that closely resembles an song.

The stand out tracks on his last album were the eclectic cover song like the previous mentioned Frontin' along with Radiohead’s High and Dry and Jimi Hendrix’s The Wind Cries Mary all arranged to fit Cullum’s jazzy background. There are a few more covers on this album starting with the old Flamingo’s classic, I Only Have Eyes for You which doesn’t sound quite right without the “Sho-wop, sho-wop’s.” Cullum also take a stab at a sadly overlooked gem, Catch the Sun by the Doves, which Cullum does a little better at, but you still should check the original sometimes.

Even though Cullum usually does a very good job at covering other artist song, he does a good job creating his own songs. Keeping with the cocksure he seemed to inherit from Pharrell, there’s also Nothing I Do. The song is about not being able to impress that one special girl but that doesn’t stop you from trying. The best part of the song is the line, “Yesterday I called you back and you called me a stupid twat.” Excuse me for going into Butthead mode, but, “Ha, ha, he said ‘twat.’” He even has the gall to end the song with a whistle solo yet somehow still making it sound cool.

Song to Download – Get Your Way

Catching Tales gets a Terror Alert Level: Elevated [YELLOW] on my Terror Alert Scale.


Monday, February 14, 2005

Genius Loves Company (and Trophies)


Grammy Awards were this past weekend. I went 14 for 25 in my predictions. Ouch, that's about as good as Bush's approval rating. Well maybe not that bad. Here are some of my random thoughts on the festivities:

8:00 - Surprise, surprise, the Black Eyed Peas start things off with "Let's Retarded Get It Started." Where have I heard that song before? Mmm.

8:02 - Gwen Stefani and Eve take the stage. Guided Track Alert! Everyone rips on Ashlee Simpson for her guided track on SNL but you never hear about the others who do the same thing. Granted everyone else don't have drummers who are not smart enough to press the right button. But there is a good thing that has come out of the "Fiddler on the Roof" ripoff, the hot dancer in the iTunes commercial. Can we get that girl a starring role in something?

8:05 - Nice to see the Los Lonely Boys are out of jail. But was anyone surprised that one of them got caught with weed. It really wasn’t a question of if but when.

8:08 - It's interesting that some cable channels censer when Maroon 5 says, "coming" while network TV doesn't. If you hear the song and think of something dirty you, and the people who think SpongBob Squarepants, are the ones with the dirty mind. But with that said, I did call the FCC just to see if the would do anything. I wonder if I get a finders fee. If they are going to start fining stations $500,000 then the whistle blowers should get a cut.

8:09 - Black Eyed Peas "Get Retarded It Started" again. Yeah.

8:10 - The best band ever named after some one who started a World War, Franz Ferdinand take the stage. Cue "I Love the 80's" theme music.

8:11 - Cool ending with the mixing of all the songs that were previously play although Miss Guided Vocals was not surprisingly missing from the others who were playing live. Mash-up artist - your move. This performance begs the question, "Why don't they offer these once in a lifetime song on a CD or for download?" Who doesn’t want to hear that opening again? Well, minus the Stefani part.

8:12 - Ellen gets a first row seat. Who does the seating arraignments?

8:14 - Queen Latifah makes an appearance. Worst. Host. Ever. Unless you count the Wayans Brothers.

8:19 - If there is one rule that always holds up throughout Grammy history is if you just performed, you will win the next award if you were nominated. But the Grammy’s put a wrench into this rule when three bands in the opening medley were up for the first award. One of them won anyways but so I don't know if this counts or not.

8:24 - Survivor starts this week. Most. Surprising twist. Ever. Or so I'm told. It always seems the Survivor "twist" tend not to be too exciting.

8:25 - The first of 572 Lifetime Achievement Awards is passed out. If they pass that many out a year, Limp Bizkit could win one by 2054.

8:26 - Alicia Keys performs with an orchestra securing her in the Best Grammy Performance Hall of Fame. Then Jamie Fox comes out and he and Keys do their best Elton John/Billy Joel impersonations. Did anyone else notice the weird thing on the back of Foxx's head? Was it a tattoo? Did he shave something in the back? I need the answer to this or it will keep me up at night.

8:30 - Barely a half an hour in and we've already had a third Ellen in the crowd shot. Seriously, is there a reason for this, are the producers purposely trying to mess with my head?

8:33 - It looks like Nelly has raided André 3000's closet.

8:35 - In a ceremony held earlier today, Grammy’s went out to... Bill Clinton? Sadly he isn't even the first Clinton to win a Grammy, Hilary beat him to it. I really need to start recording audiobooks so I can get my own Grammy.

8:41 - Bono can make anything sound cool. He's become the white James Earl James.

8:46 - First token "crazy coupling" of the evening with Mark McGrath (does he still have a band?), Penelope Cruz (quick, name one of her movies not entitled "Blow") and Pharrell (what would a Pharrell sighting be without the obligatory Startrac plug?).

8:57 - It's time for the heavily plugged Jennifer Lopez/Marc Anthony duet. That could only mean I thing - bathroom break. Too bad I didn't have to go longer because I caught the tail end and I'm beginning to understand the whole guided vocal track idea because Lopez cannot carry a tune.

9:02 - Now it's the Southern Rock tribute with today country stars. Um, I just used my bathroom break. Well, let's see what going on at "Desperate Housewives." Ooo, Frumpy Spice's husband forgot Valentine's Day.

9:17 - Now Queen Latifah is going to sing. They must have put all the horrible music at 9:00 knowing people were going to switch to "Desperate Housewives." Speaking of which, let's see what's going on. Sweet, token hot chick is in lingerie. Than you Queen for sucking so much.

9:21 - Looks like Hoobastack is picking up the Worst. Band name. Ever. Award. Wait; no they are presenting Best New Artist with Tyra Banks whom seems to be a good foot taller than all the band members. Kanye West seemed a little too upset for losing the Most. Cursed award. Ever. I'm sure if he really wants a Best New Artist Grammy, he could buy Milli Vanilli's on E-Bay.

9:30 - Out to introduce Green Day is Quentin "I've spent too much time hanging out with the Wu-Tang Clan" Tarantino in his new ghetto apparel.

9:34 - Holy Ricky Martin sighting! I haven't seen him in a while. Remember it was not too long ago when he owned the Grammy’s.

9:40 - Kanye West performs with a Staple Sister, John Legend, the Blind Boys of Alabama and his mom. I must stress again they really need to put these performances on iTunes or something.

9:51 - On cue, Kanye wins the Grammy after performing. Extra points for the Al Bundy reference.

10:00 - Janis Joplin tribute featuring Joss Stone and... a bald Melissa Etheridge. Wow, wasn't expecting that.

10:12 - Tim McGraw takes the stage. Mmm, "Desperate Housewives" is over. Let's see what's happening on "Celebrity Fit Club." Judge Mablean lost six pounds this week. Get back to the Grammy’s just in time to see McGraw's one person standing obviation. I guess it wasn't quite Kanye West's performance where everyone in the house stood up. Oh, and the one person standing, his wife.

10:27 - John Mayer continues his "I want to be Jimi Hendrix" phase with a power trio version of "Daughters."

10:36 - In a ceremony held earlier today, U2 picked up Best Rock Song, a songwriters award, for “Vertigo." A great song, but a songwriting award shouldn't go to a song that starts out with "one, two, three, fourteen" in Spanish.

10:38 - In the first blatant CBS plug on the show, Anthony LaPaglia introduces a bunch of Gammy nominees singing the Beatles "Across the Universe" led by Bono. Finally a song I can download on iTunes. Now where is Kanye West, U2 or Alicia Keys' performances?

10:46 - Now when Stevie Wonder took off his glasses to "read" the winner was funny when he did it years ago, but now it's time for new material. I feel now people are just giving him a courtesy laugh.

10:54 - Usher continues his "I want to be Michael Jackson" phase. (Insert "keep young boys away from Usher" jokes here.)

10:59 - Nothing better when the orchestra tries to cut some one's acceptance speech and they keep talking. How can you cut off some one speaking for a dead guy anyways?

11:10 - Cheesy Old Guy Alert! Why is the Grammy’s always headed by a guy whose only band they've been in was the marching band in high school. Of course Cheesy Old Guy brings up illegal downloading. When will these people realize that the music business is slumping because the music they put out sucks not because of downloading?

11:14 - Nice to see the Grammy’s remembered Ol' Dirty Bastard (aka Big Baby Jesus, aka Osirus, aka Dirt McGirt, aka Joe Bannanas, aka Dirt Dog, aka Unique Ason) during those have passed tribute considering he was the reason for the most entertaining moment in Grammy’s history when he bum rushed Shawn Colvin's acceptance speech shouting "Wu-Tang's for the children."

11:24 - To present Album of the Year are Grammy Award winner Bonnie Raitt and... Gary Sinise. Um, yeah, that makes sense. To nobody's surprise, Ray Charles wins proving there is no better way to sell records than to die.

11:28 - And we are done so it's time to pass out my awards:

Best Performance - Kanye West et al.

Best Acceptance Speech - Kanye West

Best Dressed (Female) - Alicia Keys

Best Dressed (Male) - Anthony Hamilton

Worst Dressed - Sheryl Crow