You Always End a Conversation One Sentence too Late

Note to self: when writing an uber-peppy script, it may not be the best idea, no matter how shocking it is, to kill off what the audience may believe to be an important character at the end of the Pilot. After one of the most promising premieres in recent memory, Bunheads had to go the downer route by killing of the main character’s husband just minutes after getting married thus tearing down what they spent the first fifty-eight minutes building up.

Not surprisingly, Hubble’s death hung like a black cloud over the first season of the show. And every time it started to pick some momentum back up, out of nowhere they had to remind you that Michelle’s husband, who she did not even really love, had died tragically. She meets a new dude, who she hits it off with, she starts balling over her dead husband after coitus. And of course he had to return for the finale in a dream sequence to up the creepy factor.

It also does not help for a shown named Bunheads, I am not entirely sure what any of the names of the dancers are besides Boo (really, how do you forget a name like that). I think the mean girl is named Sasha, but I would not bet my life on it. I just watched the finale and I still could not name the other two off the top of my head which is a shame because the tall one has the best comic timing of the bunch but she was given the least to do in the first set of episodes. Am I am not sure if it is a good or bad thing that it turned out that Mindy Riggins turned out to be the best part of the show.

But the one aspect the show had going for itself was its rapid fire delivery that, even if a pop culture reference or two went over your head, there would still be plenty of good one your recognize per episode even if there was no way a bunch of teen girls would talk about let alone even know about. I like The Ringer was too busy dancing to catch any of these references. And the season did end on a high point with one of the funniest scenes I have seen on television all year when Michelle sprayed all the dancers in the face with mace. That alone should keep me laughing until the show returns, and when it does, hopefully they can help us forget about Michelle’s dead husband.

Bunheads 1.x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download Bunheads on iTunes.

It’s The World We Live In, Not The World We Want

It was hard not to get excited for the first season of Falling Skies: Steven Spielberg producing an alien invasion show on cable, TNT at that because they apparently know drama. But those first ten episodes just fell flat. The skitters were scary in an creepy incest kind of way, but it was hard to care about the characters, and the plot, much like the characters, did not seem to go anywhere.

But early in the second season, the show, much like the 2nd Mass, found its direction. And their compass pointed south to Charleston, South Carolina. It was a long march which saw a few new obstacles like the new mini bugs that ate the dude from The Killing inside out. There an even smaller bug(? Maybe machine?) that crawled out of Tom’s eye which turned out to be a tool of the new skidder rebellion. But is that just a skidder contraption or do the Overlords have their own and planted in Hal? But none was creepier than our first look inside a harness factory where we learned the harnesses are an actual life form before being attached to the children.

Then when they finally arrived in Charleston, the 2nd Mass landed right in the middle of a political fight between a pseudo-dictator and military coup. Sure this was the weakest storyline of the season (who would actually elect John Locke to a position of power). But the vacation in South Carolina seems to be short lived as Tom intends to leave the new civilization as soon as his son gets better. Although I am surprised Tom is so quick to leave the closest thing to civilization to fight some more when he is about to become a father again. Well that was the plan until the skies started falling again.

Thanks to the promo monkeys, you knew it was coming; the only question was what exactly was in the jellyfish looking things. Thankfully this is not John Locke’s old show and we actually got to see what were driving these spaceships. It turned out to be something in a suit that looked like suits of Master Chief joined with the Blue Beetle with something reptilian looking inside. If these new creatures mate with a human and there is a lizard baby birth I am out.

The show left us with the question “Friend or Foe?” Before they scrolled down to reveal a biped, I originally thought a non-harnessed skidder was going to step out the spaceship. Of course it is possible that the harnessed skidders ended up growing the extra limbs. But I am going to answer the promo monkey’s question, with a question of my own, “Why does it have to be either or?” I have a feeling they are an enemy of the Overloards (the weapon that the 2nd Mass was build to keep these new aliens from landing) who will end up being enemies of humans. At any rate, hopefully season three continues the momentum built this season. And hopefully by the time the next episodes air, they can get me to start caring about some of the characters.

Falling Skies 2.x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Bullets Don't Seem to Have Much of an Effect on Me Darlin'

When the Dallas reboot was announced, much like every other reboot, I found it unnecessary. Sure the original invented, or at the very least perfected the nighttime soap back in the eighties. It also created the best whodunit ever in the history of television (or so I am told, the original was a bit before my time). But it would come back a relic and would have to compete with more cerebral modern day soaps like Revenge.

It did not help when Dallas came back it returned focusing again on the very eighties plot of the hunt for oil and tried to bring it into the present with buzz words like fracking and alternative fuels. And where Revenge focused on hunting down the people responsible for the death of someone, the big struggle at the heart of the new season of Dallas was once again land. It also did not help that the signature character from the original started of the season in an almost catatonic state in a nursing home.

But once J.R. Ewing rose from his chair, put on his ten-gallon hat, and sharpened his eyebrows, things got started with double crosses (and triple, and quadruple) coming at a furious pace. And things did not slow down as J.R. and J.R. Jr. tried to outmaneuver each other and Bobby to get control of Southfork and the oil underneath it. With J.R. losing his fastball and J.R. Jr. not picking up the slack, thankfully Assistant Director Skinner stepped in as a worthy antagonist tormenting ex-wife Ann and blackmailing Sue Ellen for political favors. And tonight he will be looking for other kinds of favors from a member of the fairer sex. And all that manipulating led us to the final.

We left Dallas last week with blood splattering on a pair of teddy bears. And Rebecca and her “brother” were not the only people left in the balance as Bobby crumbed to the floor. Okay, not much of a cliffhanger because they already killed Bobby once, it is not like they would kill him off again, and if they did, it may not even stick again. Rebecca, who became the most interesting character in the second half of the season, was the more curious case. Thankfully you will not have to wait very long at the start of the finale tonight to see how the shootout played out.

With all the double dealing and devious playing, the show does find a way to wrap up all of this season plots in a nice little bow (and a little too nice) with the exception of one, which may be a red herring to misdirect you from what happens to set up the second episode. But that is excused because Dallas saved it biggest reveal for last, a shocker so big, I will not even hit at it to avoid you from spoiling yourself. I will suggest that you have the Ewing family tree handy, especially if you are new to the series. But for those spoiler hounds that just have to know how the season ends, the last sight you see tonight is “To Be Continued”. (After the finale airs I am going to add a very spoilery addition talking about the big twist, so once you watch, return here to see my thoughts).

Spoiler Alert!!! Do not read if you have not seen the season finale.

Wow, I did not see Rebecca turning out being Cliff’s daughter. That reveal had me running to Wikipedia to check out the Ewing Family Tree because I thought that would make Rebecca and Christopher cousins. But from what I understand, they are only cousins by adoption, not blood. And according to Wikipedia, Cliff does have a daughter named Pamela Rebecca Cooper. Still kind of creepy for an uncle to use his daughter to seduce his nephew, blood related or not. What really through me off the scent of Rebecca being related to Cliff, even when she met with his rent boy, was I was convinced that Rebecca was Ann’s daughter (but this is a soap opera, so that is not completely out of the question, Brenda Strong who plays Ann, was on the original series as “Cliff’s One Night Stand”). So I wonder if that was just a red herring or it will play a big role next season. But anything that keeps Assistant Director Skinner involved, I am all for.

Dallas 1.x (or 15.x depending how you look at it) gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. You can download Dallas on iTunes.

The Five Shows From Next Season that Will Suck the Least

It is not a good sign for next season when the biggest news coming out of the Upfronts this year was Britney Spears judging a singing competition. And just when you thought The X-Factor could not be an even bigger joke, they hired a nineteen year old Demi Lovato, who is probably best known to the general public as someone who went to rehab to sit next to Britney. At least Britney is also known as a horrible singer in-between her rehab stints. Now let me go back to believing Fox does not exist.

But the most important news of the week did not even come from the networks, but instead from cable network TBS who announced during their Upfronts that they have hired a pilot presentation of a show called Norm MacDonald Is Trending. It is described as, “SNL alumnus and former "Weekend Update" anchor Norm MacDonald hosts as he and his team of correspondents sort through the churning mass of pop culture and social media to pull out the funniest, most bizarre and entertaining events so you don’t have to.” Just order that to series now TBS.

Usually around this time I take a look of all the promos for upcoming shows for next season and come up with my premature list of the best new shows of next season, except there were not really any shows that excited me that were announced (is it too late for ABC to pick up the Mandy Moore sitcom?). So this is an election year where I usually not vote for the best candidate but instead vote for the candidate I think sucks the least, here is my list of The Five Shows From Next Season that Will Suck the Least:

1. Last Resort (ABC): Want to know just how bad this year’s crop of shows is? The best one can best be described as a serious version of Gilligan's Island. But I do like creator Shawn Ryan (Terriers) and actors Andre Braugher (Men of a Certain Age), Autumn Reeser (No Ordinary Family), and Jessy Schram (Veronica Mars), features a recurring Robert Patrick (Terminator 2) it does have the coolest premise: a nuclear submarine the refuses an order to take out Pakistan and becomes a rogue nation with its own nuclear weapon to keep them safe. Of course because of all that and its Thursday at 8:00 timeslot (which has been the ABC death slot since Ugly Betty stated to tank about four years ago), Vegas will probably put the Over / Under of episodes at 5.

2. Animal Practice (NBC): For some reason I kept thinking that the show was a drama until I saw the trailer. A trailer that featured the monkey from The Hangover Part II as a doctor. I also give this show five episodes (it is going up against established comedy The Middle, Survivor and the trainwreck that will be Britney Spears), but I will enjoy all five of them.



3. The Neighbors (ABC): A sitcom starring Jami Gertz: pass. But it also stars aliens that named themselves Jackie Joyner Kersey, Reggie Jackson, Larry Bird and Dick Butkis: yes please. If ABC does not get the rights for an Alf cameo I will be severely disappointed.

4. Nashville (ABC): I have some good news and bad news about the show. The good news is that it stars Tami Taylor. The bad news is it stars the annoying cheerleader from Heroes. Is it too late to recast her with Julie Taylor?

5. Friend Me (CBS): McLovin on CBS? A premise so stupid it may work. But to work it definitely needs a name change before hitting airwaves because it is the worst titled new show of the season not named How to Live with Your Parents (for the Rest of Your Life).

And since there is an abundance of horrible looking shows that will be hitting the airways next season, here is a list of The Five Shows Networks Could Not Pay Me to Watch (for at least under $100).

1. Revolution (NBC): Since J.J. Abrams is a hack who only deals in high concept / low rewards I had no hopes that the show would be any good. Then I got a look at the trailer and it managed to slither under the bar of my low expectations. You should expect some major plot holes in a J.J. Abrams show, but there are huge ones already in the first trailer.

2. The New Normal (NBC): If J.J. Abrams is the biggest hack still working in Hollywood, Ryan Murphy is the second biggest hack. And as a straight dude I am a bit offended that a show called “The New Normal” does not feature a single heterosexual man (and to a lesser extend anyone of color). What are you trying to say, straight dudes (and to a lesser extent people of color) are no longer normal? Somebody get the ACLU on the phone.

3. Partners (CBS): I know it may look bad that both gay-centric shows are in my Horrible Show list, but in my defense, I am not homophobic because I would totally push my way through a bunch of chicks to make out with Shamar Moore. That and this sitcom features Brandon Routh and Sophia Bush who makes Elisha Cuthbert look like Kristin Wiig when it comes to comedic timing.

4. Next Caller (NBC): You would think after the Chelsea Handler debacle, you would think NBC would think twice about giving a polarizing comic their own show, but coming this midseason is a show staring Dane Cook. And it is becoming very clear that Jeffrey Tambor does not know how to say “no.” Let’s go over his post-Arrested Development career: Twenty Good Years (four episodes), Welcome to the Captain (five episodes), Bent (six episodes). But I have a felling Next Caller may not make it to seven episodes.

5. Guys with Kids (NBC): If it were not for Sophia Bush, Jamie Lynn Sigler would have easily won the Why the Frack Is Jack Bauer’s Daughter in a Comedy Award that goes to the most head scratching casting decision of the season. Also the promo for the show features three guys giving chest bumps with their babies. Seriously.

Enough of the crap, here is what I will be watching next season:

Mondays
8:00 – The Voice (NBC)
8:00 – How I Met Your Mother (CBS)
9:00 – 2 Broke Girls (CBS)
10:00 – Castle (ABC)

Tuesdays
8:00 – The Voice (NBC)
9:00 – Go On (NBC)
9:00 – Happy Endings (ABC)
9:30 – Don’t Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (ABC)
10:00 – Parenthood (NBC)

Wednesdays
8:00 – Survivor (CBS)
8:00 – The Middle (ABC)
8:30 – Suburgatory (ABC)
9:00 – Modern Family (ABC)
9:30 – The Neighbors (ABC)
10:00 – Nashville (ABC)

Thursdays
8:00 – The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
8:00 - Last Resort (ABC)

Fridays (TGIF returns! Sort of)
8:00 – Last Man Standing (ABC)
8:30 – Community (NBC)
9:00 – Grimm (NBC)

Sundays
8:00 – Once Upon a Time (ABC)
9:00 – Revenge (ABC)
9:00 – Dexter (Showtime)
10:00 – Homeland (Showtime)

The Game Is Afoot Jeff

Back during the first episode of Survivor: One World when the one chick broke her wrist and Probst gave the guys a choice to either take the win or continue the challenge with the girls short a player and I warned the guys, do not anger the Survivor Gods by taking the cheap win and lo and behold, three month later, the most despicable of the guys had to be medically evacuated, they voluntarily gave away immunity (strike two for the Survivor Gods), and all the guys that made the merge are sitting on the jury while the women made up the final five contestants.

If there was one dude who angered the Survivor Gods more than the other dudes it was Colton Cumbie. I never thought I would hate a contestant on the show more than I hated Russell Hantz but Colton managed to slither under the very low bar. He called the first little person on the show every offensive name you could think of, the called the lone black dude ghetto trash to hi face while telling another contestant she might as well jump into the fire so she did not have to wait to be voted off. That must have been the final straw for the Survivor Gods because he could vote off Christa Cha, he had to be air listed off the show with appendicitis like symptoms. Hopefully he never gets asked back (but I unfortunately would not put my money on never seeing him again).

But as horrible as Colton was, Kat Edorsson was oppositely awesome. Quite possibly the dumbest person ever to play Survivor, everything that came out her mouth was a gem (well expect for her constant burping) like the post-appendicitis discussion. And Kat just had to go out with a bang after giving a long winded speech in her signature hoodie about how awesome blindsides are, only to be blindsided a minute later leading to the single greatest Ponderosa episode ever. Everyone should bug Jeff Probst until he lets Kat back on the show.

Poor Greg “Tarzan” Smith, on any other season the plastic surgeon would have been the breakout star of the season but had to play second fiddle to Kat. He even went with they if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em philosophy by donning Kat’s tank top and bikini bottoms on his head right before his elimination. And that was not even his most entertaining moment. That had to be either when he confronted Chelsea Meissner who he thought harbored ill will against him because she did not think her plastic surgeon did a good job with her new breasts or when he told the tribe he had an affection that kept him from learning other people’s names just moments before having to jot down someone’s name at Tribal Council. Seriously, as much as I hated Redemption Island, I would not mind if they brought it back just so we had a Kat vs. Tarzan season. Or at least do an All Star season of Morons vs. Masterminds.

With all the colorful characters this season, it was the most even keel that ended up winning. Kim Spradlin rolled over everyone all season. I thought it would have been wiser to take Alicia and Christina to the end but in the end it did not really matter because she still won in a landslide. I was a bit surprised Sabrina got all the not-Kim votes instead of Chelsea. But that was not even close to being surprising as Kat being profound during the Final Tribal Council.

Survivor: One World gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. You can stream recent episodes over at cbs.com. You can also download Survivor on iTunes.

As mentioned above, with Kat and Tarzan this season it got me thinking that the next All-Star season of Survivor should be Morons vs. Masterminds. I even have suggestions of who should make up the cast:


Morons
Jamie Dugan (China)
James Clement (China)
Erik Reichenbach (Fans vs. Favorites)
Shannon “Shambo” Waters (Samoa)
Jane Bright (Nicaragua)
Philip Sheppard (Redemption Island)
Natalie Tenerelli (Redemption Island)
Brandon Hantz (South Pacific)
Kat Edorsson (One World)
Greg “Tarzan” Smith (One World)

Masterminds
Richard Hatch (Borneo)
Rob Cesternino (Amazon)
Sandra Diaz-Twine (Pearl Islands)
Cirie Fields (Panama)
Parviti Shallow (Cook Islands)
Todd Herzog (China)
Stephen Fishbach (Tocantins)
Sophie Clarke (South Pacific)
Colton Cumbie (One World)
Kim Spradlin (One World)

The Next One Is Coming Faster

Mags Bennett was such a force of nature, and one of the greatest Big Bad’s ever in the history of television, you could not help that during the Justified off season, just how are they going to replace her. Well you go out and cast one of the best bad guy actors of the past decade Neal McDonough (and them supplement him with Bubba Gump). And as great as McDonough was been in his previous baddie role, he and his creepy baby head really went all out in this role as a sadistic mob boss adopted son with a taste for rent boys and literally a firearm up his sleeve.

But the third season of Justified was much different than the sophomore outing which swelled and crested every couple episodes where the most recent was much more a slow build to that final showdown (aside from the tease when Raylan asked Quarrels “Why Wait?” only to wait another three episodes for the actual showdown). The slow burn was more like the first season, but unlike the debut season which was sprinkled with a bunch of standalone “procedural” episodes, the third really only had one of those when Karen Sisco Goodall made an appearance and those breaks were really missing this season.

Instead the entire season was a four person chess match between Raylan, Boyd Crowder, Limehouse and carpetbagger Quarrels with a bunch of moving pawns like Dicky Bennett, Errol (who I just recently learned was not in fact named Arrow), two sheriffs, Arlo, Winn Duffy and his great reaction shots. And those players spent most of season on a wild goose chase for Mags’ dirty coal money with Limehouse artfully getting all the players outside a motel with guns drawn when the real money was safely under Loretta McCready’s mattress waiting to not be spent on a Van Halen themed Sweet 16 party. (This begs the question why has no one started a Save Loretta from Tim Allen campaign yet? Is it because I am the only one actually watching Last Man Standing?)

But none of the chess players ended up dyeing last week setting up one epic showdown between the four principals this week. Except it was not so epic. The climactic scene played out like the rest of the season, great dialogue (“it’s a piggy bank!), some notable action (goodbye Quarrels’ arm), and a funny moment (Raylan kicking Quarrels’ arm away from him) but I could not help wanting more. I could not help but think we the audience was Wynona (who’s apparently still on the show) when Raylan was telling her the story at the end.

As great as the character was, the writers said they killed off Mags last season because there was nowhere else to go with her, so why is Quarrels still on this mortal coil (I am assuming he did not bleed out)? Since they have him on Wynona’s ex-husband murder, and probably countless other lesser charges, the one armed man is going to be in prison for a while along with other pawns this season Dicky, Winn (another one I am surprised survived the season after Raylan threw a bullet at him earlier this season and said, “The next one is coming faster”), and Arlo (depending on whether insanity is a defense in Kentucky). Sure having him around could expand the Theo Tonin into a major plot next season. Or maybe FX is beefing up the cast of my proposed jailhouse spinoff with Dicky and Dewey Crowe that can now add those three to the cast. Please FX, make that happen.

Justified 3.x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. You can stream episodes on Hulu. You can also download Justified on iTunes.

You Can Join the A Team or You Can Disappear

Pacing is a major issue with serial television these days. I am always a fan of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer route where you set up a big bad at the beginning of the season and defeat them at the end. Without a distinct goal you wander aimlessly around an island for unknown periods of time like Lost. Then there are series like The Killing that has a goal it is reach for, but as we found out in the first season finale, we have no idea when we will actually learn the killer of Rosie Larson.

Pretty Little Liars. fell into the latter category; we knew the goal for the titular characters was to figure out who the omnipresent A was. For the first three blocks of episodes, the show set a good mystery with plenty of suspects who could have been the mad texter, but the show started to lose steam as the mystery stretched out too long. Sure there was no throw the remote at the television moments like when the mystery was left unsolved on The Killing, but it was starting to get frustrated.

Then as Pretty Little Liars returned for its fourth block and we were finally promised that by the end of the season, A would be revealed which jumped started the show again as you had to pay attention to every little detail because like I said earlier, anyone could have plausibly have been A. One moment that struck me in what could have easily have been a throw away special Halloween episode, separate from the other episodes was a look at the end that former Allison tormentees (yes, I just willed that word into existence) Mona, Jenna, and Hermie the Hermaphrodite gave each other.

So that triad went straight to the top of my list of possible A suspects (after a not so dead Allison, which was more based on my hope that is was her because it would have made for the most interesting storyline). It turned out I was thirty-three percent right on my prediction when Mona revealed herself to Spencer after a dramatic costume change. Or am I more correct than I currently know? Not only did Mona threaten Spencer that should could join the A “Team” suggesting that Mona had some help. And just in case anyone though that Mona was just referencing the awesome eighties television show (if there is The A-Team on Pretty Little Liars, is Mona the Face of the team or Hannibal?), she also hints at multiple people during her weird inner monologue in her padded room and the telling a mysterious figure she did everything she asked her to at the very end. Of course the mysterious figure just happened to be wearing a jacket similar to Vivian Darkbloom’s coat.

So now the question is who is in that red jacket and just who Mona was working with? There was the black swan that looked exactly like Melissa who was talking to my previous suspected Mona cohort Hermie the Hermaphrodite. And of course the person with the biggest vendetta against Allison, the newly sighted Jenna, who gave her own mysterious figure a package prior to the masquerade ball. Oh yeah, and we will also have a murder mystery next season when Mya showed up dead at the end of the episode. Was it the crazy lesbian swimmer? Melissa, who had a front row seat at the crime scene? Another member of the A Team? Hopefully the show learns that two season is too long before the reveal something and we get at least one answer by the end of season three which will be starting up in two short months on Tuesday, June 5 at 8:00.

Pretty Little Liars 2.x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

My Hands Are Clean

It is never a good sign when the behind the scenes drama of a show is more entertaining than what happens on screen, but the feud between The Walking Dead. creator Frank Darabount and AMC got more heated than most of the zombie battles on screen when the network decided it would rather spend more money on Mad Men, a show that got three times less the viewers of The Walking Dead. But with all the turmoil, the second season of the show got off to a great start with the zombie parking lot, a better sequence than anything in the slow moving first season. And it was all downhill from there.

In the mist of the zombie parking lot, little Sophia just had to run off into the woods, not to be seen again for two month. If it were not bad enough that we had to sit and watch characters we do not care about spend all that time searching for a kid we did not care about, all the searching was for not because she was hanging out with the other zombies in the zombie barn that became the group’s camp. Of course none of the people that fed the zombies in the zombie barn bothered to think to themselves, “hey, they are looking for a little girl, maybe the little zombie girl in our zombie barn is her.” Nope, we had to wait until Shane went off his rocker, the second of four times this season, and opened the zombie barn to find her.

To think how much worse that could have been if I actually cared about Sophia, but like the rest of the cast, I just did not care. Anyone in the cast could have been eaten by a zombie and I would be fine with it. I would have been content had Hershel went on a murdering spree post-zombie barn incident or if the dude from Terriers had gotten the best of Rick in the bar. The writers even managed to ruin the two more entertain from the first season as both Daryl and Glen got too whiny as the season progressed.

The season finale started much like the season premiere, with a horde of zombies, presumable the same ones (who, they moved slower than the plots on the show if they are just now getting to the farm). And we finally got the massive zombie fight I have been waiting for since the start of the show and the show finally delivered on something and thinned the cast some more (goodbye Hershel’s family whose named I never bothered to learn, but to the son, why did you not drive off as soon as Rick and Carl were on the roof, and how about locking the door in a zombie apocalypse?), but unfortunately Lori was not one of them. And Andrea inexplicably was able to escape hundreds of zombies to be saved by some Assassin's Creed looking person with arms zombie minions. Wait, what?

But as soon as everyone was safe and sound at the Sophie camp, the show started slowing down with the characters back to being whiny except for Rick who looks to be morphing into Shane. Great. And much like the end of season, the characters are stuck in the middle of nowhere with no plans (aside from the giant prison a mile away, seriously, they could not end the season at its doorsteps?). Even with the awesome zombie battle, The Walking Dead remains the single worst television show I have watched this season (and I made it through every episode of Pan Am.). Or at least until The Killing returns in two week. AMC: telling the slowest stories on television.

The Waling Dead 2.x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

It's All Working Perfectly Sutton, Just as We Planned

 
Pretty Little Liars hit television as one of the guiltiest Guilty pleasures of all time so it was not much of a surprised when ABC Family ordered up another television show based on another book series by the person who wrote Pretty Little Liars. Sure, at the time the book version of The Lying Game had not even hit selves yet but Hollywood is not known for its patience. What was surprising was in its original run, they did not pair The Lying Game with its predecessor. That was remedied when the show returned earlier this winter to finish out its first season.

That was not the only change in story for the second half of the season as Annie was replaced on the show, except instead of the old soap opera trick of announcing the new Annie would be now portrayed by Charisma Carpenter, but as it turned out she is an different character, yet shared most everything with the other Annie that we learned in the first half to the point it was clear that they could get an actress with name recognition to play the role and just shoe-horned in a new character instead of just replacing the old actress.

Ironically just as her aunt showed up Char was shipped out of town, trimming some of the fat off the show. She started off what seemed like the comedic relief, but that really did not go anywhere and the character. Also gone from the second half (and really most of the first) was Nisha which seemed for the best because Alec was a much better antagonist from the beginning.

The big mystery from the first half, who is the twins’ mother, took a backseat to two mini mysteries: who was in the proverbial backseat when Sutton took the plunge and who killed Derek. Neither turned out to be all that compelling because it was pretty easy to figure out who was the culprit: Alec by proxy and Alec respectively. That is the problem with only one bad guy on the show, everything bad that happens, you always point to him and always turn out to be right. We have seemed sparks of it so far this season, but hopefully Sutton goes full evil sometime next season, kind of like how she sounded to act before the show began, to spice things up. Or at least bring in another foil or two.

But the last ten seconds gave us a reason as to why the search for the mother went on the backburner the last couple episodes when Sutton greeted Rebecca with, “Hi mom” which already made a potential second season much more interesting than the first one. Now the question is what do they know and when did they know it. And what is their master plan? Presumably we already saw part of it go into motion when Alex was hauled out of his wedding (conveniently right after it was made official) for the murder of Derek. And the dissolving marriage of Ted and Kristen may be another piece.

Even though I just said how Alec was the obvious suspect to the Derek murder, but after the last ten seconds I am not entirely sure. Maybe Rebecca was correct when she told Emma that the photo was doctored, and am now suspicious that Rebecca was the one that murdered him. Those ten seconds put a lot of my previous assumption in doubt (except Ted is totally the father). Just prior to the finale I was talking to someone who mentioned how evil Sutton can be, but I complained that the show would be much better if Sutton went full evil and it looks like she finally did and the second season should be much better because of it. Now if only How I Met Your Mother can have a reveal of the mom as awesome as The Lying Game did.

The Lying Game 1.x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download The Lying Game on iTunes.

You're Not the Person You Were, You Are so Much More

Knowing this was their last season, you have to wonder if the writers of Chuck were trying to cram two to three seasons’ worth of storyline into their final season. We started off with the evil CIA dude but he was randomly killed off by the chick from The Matrix. He was replaced by the chick from X-Men, but only one episode who revealed the big conspiracy was to release Superman from prison. Except he only lasted an episode but introduced us to Sarah’s former handler who also only lasted one episode. All this lead up to a final show down with… a Horatio Sanz lookalike? Seriously?



Despite a shaky lead up this season (and lets be honest, they show has been rocky for the last three seasons), it put together a pretty entertaining series finale even if I could care less about Horatio Sanz. The final two hours featured countless throwbacks from Chuck and Sarah’s first date (unfortunately they did not recreate that dance sequence, one of the greatest scenes ever in the history of television), Wienerlicious (why they ever dumped that costume is beyond me, Orange Orange was lame), Fernando getting his first lines as part of the Pervert Squad, Sarah breaking into the Intercect room was almost a shot for shot recreation of Bryce Larson breaking out of the Intercect from the series premiere (yes, I went back and rewatched the Pilot this weekend), Subway, the porn virus (of course Sarah remembered that, that plot devise was beyond obvious I knew it was the solution as soon as they uncovered the bomb), naturally the beach scene, and of course one word: Jeffster. The series finale was so well crafted for fans of the show it’s amazing how so many series screw up their finales. The only way the Chuck series finale could have been any better is if they had one final showdown with a Big Bad anyone actually cared about (it makes you wonder if they were banking on either getting the evil CIA dude or Superman for more episodes but had to scramble when they could not).



At its best Chuck mixed action, comedy and nerd culture better than anyone else. It all culminated with the finale two episodes of season two where the Bartowski clan reunited for Ellie’s wedding complete with an epic showdown with Pierce Hawthorne against Sarah, Chuck, Bryce Larson and a parachuting in Casey. And who would have guessed it would have Sam Kinison and a lesbian Indian that would save the day with a gem from the eighties?



Oh Jeffster, how have you rocked us, and now you are off to rock Germany much like David Hassellhoff before you. Aside from the epic performance of Mr. Roboto, you gave us thrilling renditions of Africa, Blaze of Glory, encouraged Ellie to Push It during her pregnancy, slowed it down for Leaving On a Jet Plane and Is This Love, and ended out the series with one last performance of Take On Me. It is a shame as the series progressed, the less they used the Buymorons especially seeing what could have been happening all along had they let Jeffster in on the spying earlier than the last two weeks because the duo coming to the rescue twice were comic gold with Jeff’s flame throwing and Lester’s high notes.



But Chuck would be nothing without his two handlers. Adam Baldwin can do more acting with grunts than most actors have in their entire repertoire. Then there was Sarah, the single hottest token hot chick ever in the history of television (with apologies to Daisy Dukes who held the title for two decades). Sarah even took the Token Hot Chick to a whole new level and would ruthlessly kick your behind if you looked at hers the wrong way. Oh, and that Weinerlicious uniform and the editors insistence of gratuitous use of slow motion. And for a guy who was a nerd that dropped out of college, living with his sister, working a dead end job, Chuck amassed the single greatest list of girlfriends ever in the history recorded film. Seriously, name a character that had a greater foursome than Rachel Bilson, Jordana Brewster, Kristin Kreuk, and Yvonne Strahovski.

Even at its worse (where it was the last couple season or whenever Morgan was on screen) Chuck still remained at the very least entertaining and always knew the right pop culture reference to put into the dialogue. And if all else failed, they could still be able to get the Token Hot Chick into the most tasteful small clothing they could find. You will be missed. Except for Morgan, they should had left him in Hawaii after the first season.

Chuck 5.x gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Chuck: The Complete Series gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Thank You Jesus!!!

Like most seasons of Survivor, South Pacific was dominated by one person. But for the first time, the dominate person was not even a contestant and has been dead for almost two thousand years: Jesus H. Christ. If Brandon Hantz and / Benjamin “Coach” Wade would have believe, it was Jesus who guided the ousting of everyone this season before them. And really Coach set up the template of how to vote out religious people on Survivor from here on out, tell them it is God’s will and the leaving contestant will hug you on the way out.

Let me be the last person to say that for all the praying going on this season, God does not care about how you play the game. He is not rooting for anyone because we are all God’s player. Though it may not be a coincidence that the same day Bandon got his torch snuffed that Tim Tebow got trounced on the football field. But when you are asking Jesus’ guidance for a meaningless reality show, it really boils down to either two characteristic inside you and we saw both this season. First you had the delusional Brandon Hantz who used religion to explain away his creepy behavior like how he handled his feelings for Mikayla Wingle. On the other side of the coin there was there was the narcissism of Coach who actually thought God cared more about his well being then everyone around him just because he was religious.

Showing that God really does not care who wins Survivor, neither Brandon or Coach ended up winning Survivor: South Pacific. Instead it actually for the first time in a very long time, the most deserving contestant won the title of Sole Survivor in Sophie Clarke. It was also one of the few tribal councils where I have no idea where any of the votes were going to and in a show that has become extremely predictable, it made for a very entertaining finale especially because the last three seasons where painfully bad to watch.

I actually rolled my eyes harder than Sophie whenever Brandon brought up religion when Jeff announced yet another twist for the next season. Survivor: One World where both tribes will be living on the same beach. One of the most glaring problems with Survivor for a very long time is that post merge, nobody switches tribes and John Cochran showed the very reason why no one has flipped alliances after the merge. With two tribes together, you can actually set extra-tribe alliances and should create a very large amount of blindside. Hopefully One World means the end of Redemption Island which was a massive failure for two seasons. Granted if they bring back Brandon and Russell I definitely will not be watching.

Survivor: South Pacific gets a on my Terror Alert Scale.

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Twin Scorned

There should be a workshop that every writer for serial television shows should go to. And the 101 class has to arcing a season. The number one rule in the class is set up the mystery, ask questions throughout the season, answer them by the end of the season, and then set up some new questions for the next season. For reference, watch any of the seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Veronica Mars. For what not to do, watch the first season of Lost which spent the final three hours of the show figuring out a way to open the hatch and then nothing. Or go back and reread all the hate surrounding the recent The Killing season finale.

I bring this up for my season wrap-up of The Lying Game because I went into the finale expecting some of the big questions to be answered. Why did the Mercer’s only adopt Sutton? Why did Annie take back Emma after she was adopted? How do Ted and Alex fit into this? What is Justin hiding and does it have to do something with the twins? And what the frack is The Lying Game which was mentioned early in the season, but never actually explained? Then an hour later and not a one of those big questions were answered and in a Lostian tradition, the set up a few more questions like who was in the car with Sutton, was that really Annie at the party, and where did Alec disappear to (assuming he was not telling the truth).

I originally thought it was Annie in the car, but if that really was her at the party, the only other serious possibility was Char’s boyfriend. If it was him, that would explain where Alex was, he was getting him in the car to do more undercover work for him and really the only other character we know that was not at the party was Ethan’s brother and though he seems he may also have some shady history with Alec, I doubt it was him.

But I guess it may have been too much to ask when the show was created from the books that were also authored by another criminally bad question answerer Pretty Little Liars. And the episode breakdown and pacing for The Lying Game seemed off all season. It took them way too long to get Sutton in Emma’s shoes, which turned out to be way more entertaining than the vice versa (WAY OFF TOPIC ALERT! remember the great Judge Reinhold / Fred Savage movie, you know, back when body switching was fun; ah the good old days).

It did not help that aside from Alexandra Chando, who lit up the screen in the dual roles, the rest of the cast were utter bores. The second most interesting character was that of Alec but he was relegated to recurring status which makes me think he may be found out for his misgivings sooner than later. But then again, that would assume they answer some questions in the near future. That is not to say I will definitely stop watching, but hopefully if I do continue to watch when it returns in January, they figure a way to work in more Becky Sproles, she could replace any of Sutton’s friends and I do not think any viewers would care, or even notice.

A quick prediction for season two (besides a lack of answers): Emma continues to be Sutton while Sutton sits in a coma as Emma because she still has her ID when brought to the hospital. Unless season two is too early for an amnisia plot.

The Lying Game gets a on my Terror Alert Scale. You can stream recent episodes on Hulu. You can also download The Lying Game on iTunes.